Hi everyone. There's been a lot on my mind the last few weeks. I was going to write in here but I hadn't updated my ChaLEAN Extreme posts, and I didn't want to post in here until I did that. But this week things jumped even more, and I just need a place to really get this out.
A few weeks ago, I realized just how burned out I was. My family has planned to go to the beach this coming week since early April. (We thought COVID would be definitely a thing of the past...) But knowing this beach trip has been coming up, I've put so, so much stress on myself. Eat healthy. Exercise. Don't skip a workout at all. I've been sore, I had a couple weeks there where I wasn't feeling well (not coronavirus, I think just allergies or a summer cold), and definitely had the 'I don't wannas!' when it came to working out, but I've continued to push through. A few months ago, I freaked out because we decided to go Bass Pro Shops as a family and we didn't get home until almost 7pm. I was doing my second workout SOOO late. I freaked out. A couple weeks ago I ran to the grocery store to pick up stuff for dinner, and traffic was awful. I sat through a red light for almost 15 minutes. I could just feel my nerves tightening like guitar strings as time ticked on. All I wanted to do was get home! I had a workout to do! Last week I also had a meltdown because someone in the house ate my whole wheat crackers. They're ten calories a serving less than what we had in the house. Those ten calories matter so freaking much to me that at 9:30pm I was going to the store to buy whole wheat crackers!
Exercising when you're sick or sore or totally burned out is not good. Flipping out over ten freaking calories is not good. When did it get like this? I can't use the beach as an excuse every time, because sometimes I have moments like this when nothing is going on. It's awful for me. It's awful for my family who gets my angry and irrational rants when something doesn't go right.
The scale is going upwards despite the exercise. My diet hasn't been overly stellar, but it's not completely awful. I notice changes (particularly in my upper body) but I'm not sure I'm happy it. This is both upsetting and frustrating, which gets me down, which leads to sad and angry outbursts towards my family. Ugh.
I need to go in a new direction with this. I realized this a few days ago. First, I decided I'm taking no workout stuff with me to the beach. This will be a complete week of rest. And secondly, when I come back home, as much as I love LIIFT4, maybe I should switch back to Jillian. I saw the results I liked with Jillian. But most of all, maybe I need to toss away the running. I need to switch it up and find my love again. That's when I started thinking, "Maybe I'll start playing DDR again..."
That's where I was on Tuesday morning. Thinking I was going to give myself a much needed break while at the beach, come back and start over again with my first ever love (Dance Dance Revolution) and go back to Jillian, the queen who created programs that made me feel confident with my body.
And then I learned that my mom will be having testing to check into some things. Everything stopped. It's Thursday late night/Friday early morning, and let me tell you. I've not been okay. My mom is so important to me. I love her so very much. I've been a nervous wreck. We don't know what is going to happen. I am admittedly a pessimist, but I am also really nervous about this. The doctors have been keeping an eye on her since May and she didn't want to worry us until the doctors decided that they need to look more into it. The idea that something very seriously wrong with my mom is scaring me to death. She's 68 years old and she smokes. She has a very difficult time getting around and breathing now. I dread winters and cold weather because it makes her breathing issues flare up, as well as the hot and humid weather. I know she's slowing down. And it also has me realizing that if, God forbid, our time is growing shorter, I don't want to be in this awful headspace. I want to be able to focus on her and spend time with her and my family. I want to make wonderful memories and now worry about the scale. Or calories. Or workouts. Or meltdown because I didn't get a workout or I've gained weight or stupid calories.
I've been overweight for so much of my life. When I began losing weight, I started gaining confidence and feeling comfortable with myself. I began doing things I never thought that I would ever do. I went to my class reunion. I started paddle boarding. I went on vacation and strutted around the city of Washington DC feeling amazing. I really did feel amazing. I didn't feel like there were people looking at me or laughing at me for being overweight or feeling those crazy feeling (whether they are in your head or not). I worked out in the gym in the hotel, which took a LOT of courage for me. So I've had moments where I've been confident, and happy, but it all became on obsession, a desire for more and more. And somewhere my mind was like, "keep losing more. Keep eating less. Ride this wave and do more!" Losing weight did not instantly cure all my problems (it wasn't that I was under the assumption that it would be a cure all) but I loved the compliments. When I started gaining weight back when the fire happened, I was so worried that friends and family would be disappointed in me. That people who had looked to me for support or people I've rekindled friendships with would suddenly disown me. I put even more pressure on myself. You bad girl, you've gained! But...it's not really like that at all. So why do I still put so much pressure on myself? Regardless if I'm a size 8 or 18 people care about me. I just have to really start believing that and realizing that. I've got to get healthy.
So I'm going to do my best. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future. I don't want to completely give up my workouts, but I want to give up the stress, the excessiveness. I will never, ever forgive myself if I let calories and exercise and poor body image ruin the most important years of my life.
I'm going to try to blog more and go back to what I originally planned this blog to be. Overall health. Not just reviewing my workouts, but just trying to be overall balanced.
Please say a prayer for my mom, and for our family.
Lets get healthy.
