Losing your way during a health journey

Hey guys! I can’t believe June is here! Seems like the year just started, right? Wow! All I know is that I am so happy for the summer weather. It seems I tolerate the cold less and less as the years go by and thrive on the sunshine that comes with spring and summer. I definitely fall victim to the winter blahs and this year was no exception, so I’m really glad summer is nearby. 

On the subject of blah’s, this is a blog entry that I’ve been trying to write for several months. No joke, I have started it probably twenty times. I stop halfway through, I save it, and I never go back to finishing it. If you’re reading this, well, first of all, your awesome and secondly, I actually finished and managed to put it up! It’s hard for me to say what I’m about to say, but I think it’s important, too. I want to inspire people but there are some parts of this health journey that haven’t been all peaches and cream and rainbows and unicorns, and it’s important to touch on base of that as well.

I sometimes (or oftentimes) feel like a fraud, or a liar, or just someone who is misleading. And the reason I feel that way is because I try very hard to be positive, because I truly believe that we need more positivity in the world. There is so much negativity right now and I’d rather be a light than a shadow. And I fully believe that encouragement and positivity is necessary in this journey. A weight loss or a healthy journey/lifestyle is already an extremely positive experience, but is also can be extremely stressful, or at least it is for me. I’ll be honest: things have been kind of rough for a while. I’m not sure when, where, or even IF this has exactly happened, but somewhere along the lines, I think I lost my why. Or maybe my reasons for starting a health journey were never that great in the first place (if you didn’t know, I began my journey after a fight with a former friend), or maybe I never had a why in the first place and always just thought I did. 

Right now, I work out every day, twice a day; an hour run, and a Jillian or strength workout in the evenings. I rarely take a rest day, even when injured (which I’ve been dealing with injuries for a while now). While I’m not as strict with my diet as I have been in the past, I’m stricter than I was last year. If I eat something I deem unhealthy, I feel an intense amount of guilt. I track and count calories, and doing that at the end of the day really tends to bum me out, sometimes even triggering some panic attacks or guilt at eating. Crazy that one would feel guilty over doing something they need to do to survive, right? Rest days are also a major bummer because I don’t feel like I deserve to eat when I don’t do something to burn it off, and therefore I don’t take them much, even when injuries arise. Back in November, I took almost the whole month off while I dealt with an injury (and a cold that took forever to go away) and it really messed with my psyche, and it’s stuck with me. Back in November, my mind constantly raced, always thinking about my workouts or lack thereof, terrified of what the scale would say if I hopped on it, constantly thinking of all the weight I was putting on eating bowls of chicken soup and crackers. I began panicking about the idea of gaining even a single pound. I was taking to people I hadn’t talked to in years, getting compliments of my new and slimmer silhouette, and suddenly it got me wondering why. Why? People I haven’t talked to in years, who were never interested in getting to know me or keep in touch are suddenly so interested in me. Is it because I’ve lost weight? I like the attention, I love the compliments. I mean, who doesn’t like the compliments after working super hard!? A lot of people are used to the changes I’ve made now, so when I run into someone new, I like hearing the compliments. I think they matter more to me now than they did when I was first starting out because they help keep me motivated. But with all this attention comes the questions and those fears. What happens if I happen to gain a little bit back? Whether it’s because I’m sick, injured, or just fell off the bandwagon for a few weeks. Will I suddenly be forgotten again because I’ve put weight on? What is it with people telling me I’m suddenly a funny girl and worth it, when I’m the same girl I was 100lbs ago? Sometimes I feel like everything is wrapped up around my weight, I measure myself in numbers. Weight, calories, minutes exercised. This has always been on the back of my mind during this health journey, but since November, it’s been on the forefront of my mind; a daily thought. I feel like I’m working out crazy amounts, eating strictly healthy, exercising while in a lot of pain, and right now really struggling with trying to enjoy it all. I look at my body, and I’m not happy with it. Where as I used to be able to see changes I’ve made, all I see are flaws and the desire to work out more and eat healthier. Is this even possible? But I’m still not happy with it, and so I’m not sure where I am. Even more, when I think back to my why and my reasons to begin this whole journey, I can’t even remember them. 

I’m not sure what to do, who to go to, but I know that I need something or someone. I need answers somewhere. I know I can’t be the only one who’s experienced this, but I’ve not had much luck finding them. It’s hard to talk about though, and I hope that this might encourage others to come out and talk about it, too! I want this blog to be a positive place, but also accurate, and right now this is where I am. Sometimes I feel like I need to start over again. Give the treadmill a rest and start playing DDR or find something new that recharges my mind. Find my enjoyment again. What used to be so much fun is now a chore, and this scares me also, because this is a lifestyle. It’s not something that I can quit doing. But what I’m doing right now is not healthy either. What scares me the most is that I feel like I don’t feel like I have much control over my life. I feel like I’m being controlled by some kind of thing in my mind that I can’t pinpoint, and that’s why I think somewhere along the way, I’ve lost something. I know something is not right, but I’m not sure how to fix it. 

Have you ever felt this way or know someone who has? 

Fitbit Charge HR review.

First I have to apologize: I wrote this review months ago (back in October - I'm trying to edit to make it slightly more accurate but if it seems a little off, it's because it's a bit old) and totally forgot to post it up. I still feel the same way as I did when I first wrote this, though, and I've added a note at the bottom.

This review might be a bit late because I don’t know if you can still buy the Charge HR’s, or if you can just get the Charge HR 2’s now, so this will be a review on Fitbits as a whole. I got a Fitbit Charge HR for Christmas in 2015 and I feel like I can finally give a review on it now that I’ve had it for over year, dealt with customer service over several different issues, and used it daily. 

Let me say that I like my Fitbit, and I like the information it gives me. It’s interesting knowing how I sleep (or how it *thinks* I sleep; sometimes I find that a bit inaccurate), I’ve wanted to know my heart rate from the beginning, and knowing how many steps or miles I walk in a day was great. It helped me keep track of my goal to log in 1000 active miles in 2016. The app is pretty user friendly, easy for people like me to get (sometimes it takes me a few tries to grasp it all) and I was concerned about that because I don’t have an iPhone (or a smart phone in general, just a 5th generation iPod touch). I like knowing all the information it can give me. It’d say it goes for any Fitbit that you may have. So things like that are great. Is it 100% accurate? Well, no. I get quite a bit of steps in when I’m sitting on the couch knitting. ;) The other day I was stretching my hands overhead and standing in one place and all of a sudden I felt that vibration against my wrist that I had met my 10k step goal, just by stretching. I’m not sure how accurate the heart rate monitor is, and I know that soon after Christmas there was that whole big thing about Fitbit being sued and not being accurate. That never bothered me. It gives me a general idea, which I like. I can track my workouts, it helps keep me accountable. Rest days make me feel like a lazy sloth because I’m not meeting that goal (which hurts and helps someone like me, which I’ve touched base on in previous issues about Fat Girl Mentality and the possible fact that maybe I went about getting healthy all wrong) so, that could be a pro or a con depending on how you look at it.

So while I do like the device. I like it when it is WORKING. I’ve had a lot of issues with my Fitbit breaking and falling apart. I wash it as per the directions on their website, I don’t shower with it on. I take it off immediately after a sweaty workout and wipe the sweat off of it. It KILLED me to walk up the 4 flights of stairs to go down the water slide and not have all those darn steps count because it would probably get wet and therefore ruined. I’m not hard on it at all, that I think at least. I work out with it on, obviously, I mean it’s called FITbit, I take it off when I shower, clean it, sleep with it on and I am currently on my 3rd replacement since Christmas. In my experience my Fitbit Charge HR has lasted approximately six to twelve weeks before falling apart. The side button falling off, air bubbles getting in the band, etc. Customer service was great the first couple of times and replaced it for free, but this last time (with still two months left in the one year warranty) it’s been absolutely deplorable. Constantly telling me about the new Fitbit’s, the color I originally had being unavailable (I had one in teal and it’s been phased out as they go on to the Charge HR 2, so I was only able to choose between two colors), getting told one thing from one Customer Service Representative, but then getting told something completely different from another one, asking a question and being ignored over four times before finally I started getting snippy to get my question answered. It’s so frustrating. I get that you they made a new Fitbit and it’s considered an upgrade to what I had, but my Charge HR isn’t even a year old yet, I’m on my 4th one (3rd replacement) and I honestly believe that something that was $149 should last longer than 6-12 weeks. 

Do I recommend the Charge HR or Fitbit in general? Well, I’m not sure. Some people I know have never had an issue with their Fitbits and love them. Some have never had their Fitbit break but just don’t like the device. Others are like me: they like the device, but it’s constantly breaking. And now that I’m getting the runaround from Fitbit’s customer service, mixed together with the fact that I’ve had a terrible experience with these things breaking, I have no idea what to say. I honestly don’t. I love the device when it works. I love the device when I call customer service and can get customer service, not a constant feeling that I’m stupid and that they want me to drop another $149 on their new device. Why should I do that when this device obviously didn’t work well for me, especially when I’m really getting the runaround and I’m just not pleased with the customer service? It’s all a big question mark.

I’m not sure how long this new replacement will last. Frankly, I am not confident that it’ll last longer than 6-12 weeks because that has been my experience. In the mean time, I’m going to look at all the different fitness trackers I can find (anyone have any suggestions where I might find real people reviews on this, by the way?) and decide, because I like the idea of a fitness tracker, even if it does kind of make me wonder if it’s the best for me. Do I recommend the Fitbit? If you don’t get a defective one, sure. ;)

----

Okay, so back to the present again, that last replacement is barely holding on. Just this week I had an issue where it stopped working. It's been superglued together twice. It lasted exactly four months, to the date before falling off. I glued it back together with E6000, and that help hold it together for another month or so. The band is now separating and it has major syncing issues. I've been looking in to Garmin trackers, which seem really interesting, but I'm still not 100% sure. I don't want to lose all those Fitbit badges I've earned over the years, I'm familiar with the Fitbit app, and I have no idea of the Charge 2 is a good step up or not. Phew! Why am I so addicted to the tracker?! 

Jillian Michaels Six Week Six Pack - Level 2

Look up cruel and unusual in the dictionary and you may very well see Jillian’s face. I’m not even kidding. I’ll be honest: Level 2 scared me. I did another program in between Level 1 and 2 because it intimidated me so much! But finally did Level 2 and I’m not going to lie. It was hard, but it’s also probably one of my favorite workouts. And here’s the rundown! Basheerah and Matty are back. Matty is still the modifier and Basheerah is the advanced, but Jillian has Matty hold on to a weight, which was the main modification in Level 1. You start with your warmup, like always, and it’s your regular warm up except…THERE ARE BURPEES IN THE WARM UP. Well, not exact burpees, but up-downs which are basically a burpee without the jump at the end. Isn’t that a bunch of crap? ;) Who thinks of burpees in the warmup. Oh. Yeah. Some crazy lady named Jillian. ;). A few other moves; lunges, squats, that sort of stuff to get your muscles loose and then you begin to torture yourself. It’s all worth it!

Like in Level 1, you do one long circuit, and repeat it a second time going at a quicker pace. I held on to one 8lb dumb bell the whole time. You begin stepping into lunge and doing lunge with chops, where you’re basically wood-chopping to one side. Then you go to an oblique crunch with your weight up, touching your elbow to knee. Drop the weight and do jumping jackknives. Yes. Jumping jackknives. Repeat the lunge chops and the oblique crunch on the other side, and then you move on to low to high. This move is where you are holding the weight up high up in front of you over your head, and then twisting and pivoting into a 180, and dropping into a lunge. After that, you do repeater knees with the weight. Jillian takes mercy on you for two seconds - she lets you drop the weight, and then get into plank and do plant twists. Repeat low to highs on the other side as well as repeater knees. Next you do a lunge twist with a pass through, which I actually really liked. Lunge forward and twist, same leg lunge back, and pass the dumbbell under the front leg. Then she had you do light house swings, which I also enjoyed. Swinging your arm out straight in front of you and turning your hip and pivoting on the ball of your foot side to side. Next she has you do bicycle crunches, and after that you repeat the twisting lunge with a pass on the other wise, but instead of light house again, she has you do dumbbell swings, which are like swinging a sledgehammer. That’s always fun, right? 

Now the fun begins. Get into plank. Now. Plank moguls. After that, you have my sympathies, because she has you doing t-stand kicks. That’s where you start in plank and move into side plank, and then kick your foot out. And then back into plank, and do so on the opposite side. Those are tough. It got a little bit better for me when I realized to keep my hands pointed straight out in front of me and not turn my wrists. Otherwise, I’m asking for a broken wrist because I lose my balance easily. After that, you do double crunches, and as if she’s not evil then you do hollow man. And then flip over into mountain climbers. 

And guess what? You get to do it all over again, but at a quicker pace! On level 1, it seems like the quicker pace was almost too much, but this one wasn’t too bad. Even going at my own pace, what I felt was safe, was pretty much on time with the girls. So that was awesome! Not that modifying is bad at all, you still get an incredible workout when you modify, but it kind of kills my ego a bit. ;) 

Seriously though?? I really like this one, as hard as it is! Maybe because there isn’t lot of mat work, which we all know I hate. It’s more standing ab work. With how much I didn’t want to do it, and how bad Level 1 hurt my back, I’m surprised by how much I liked it! I expected this to be a terribly painful experience. It is, kind of. Haha! But it’s one that I like afterwards, which I can’t say I had that experience as much with Level 1 just because how bad it hurt afterwards. I’d say the DVD is worth it just for Level 2. I didn’t take measurements and I didn’t take my weight reliably but I definitely notice a lot of changes in my body. Positive changes! 

Revisiting Ripped In 30

I decided to revisit Ripped In 30 in between Level 1 and Level 2 of Six Week Six Pack (6W6P). RI30 has always been a favorite of mine (if not my absolute favorite program), and doing it again was great on so many levels! Six Week Six Pack really hurt my back and let me know that I may have lost some core strength while taking my Jillian break, so I thought, why not go back. Plus, Level 2 of 6W6P was sooo intimidating. I didn’t think I was strong enough to do it, so what a better way to get myself back in the groove than to get ripped?!

The first time I did Ripped In 30, I had been doing Jillian workouts for just a couple months, but it was the second Jillian program I ever did. Now that I’ve done a few different programs and a few different people, it was nice to go back and see how far I’ve come. Definitely a non-scale victory! It was great showing myself how far I’ve come physically! Since I’ve already given the rundown of what each week entails in previous entries, I won’t do that again, but feel free to go back and read those entries.

Week 1, I loved. It was great going back to Jillian and doing the 3-2-1 plan again. And I felt that it was a great way to reboot myself and my system again and get an all around whole body workout. It was all pretty basic and getting the moves down, but even for me, I still felt challenged. This time around I used 8 pound dumbbells and did fine with it. My first time around I used 5lbs.

Week 2 can burn in hell. I only did this one for five days because I’m pretty sure this workout made my back hurt something terrible - I had the same issue with 6W6P, so it makes me wonder if I’m doing something wrong or if I’ve pulled something. Since I’ve never been to a gym and never had anyone tell me that my form is absolutely correct, it very well could be that I’ve been doing all this wrong. But this time, I felt more challenged than I did the first time! 

Last time around, I hated Week 3. This time, I loved it! I can’t believe that I found duckwalks and bear crawls so hard! I mean, yes, they’re difficult, but I feel like I had them down! The whole entire workout was great. Challenging, fun, but I still loved every minute! 

And Week 4 is still my favorite, even with the burpees, which I’ll be honest - are not as scary as they used to be! That’s an amazing feeling! And at the end, the speech Jillian gives about brought me to tears. Again. I’ve been doing two workouts a day; an hour of cardio and then a strength DVD or youtube workout that’s anywhere form 30-45 minutes for over two years. And sometimes I just feel like a zombie. It’s just gotten to be routine now that I forget what I’m doing. Wow. I’m actually doing something! Not a lot of people do this, and her speech was another reminder of that! 

I didn’t take measurements or track my weight this time around, but I feel like I’ve come a long way. I can tell that when I read my old posts about this workout program. It was so nice to revisit and go back to the basics. It was like going through my old closet of bigger sized clothes, just to see how far I’ve come only fitness style. I think I need to do it more often! 

Jillian Michaels' Six Week Six Pack - Level 1

Jillian Michaels Six Week Six Pack - Level 1

Here’s the rundown for Level 1 of Six Week Sick Pack. This is a six week program where you do Level 1 for three weeks and then Level 2 for three weeks. Like every Jillian workout, there are two girls who do the advanced version and the modified. Basheerah is the advanced and Matty is the modifier. In this workout, Basheerah has a weight and Matty doesn’t. Get ready because Jillian is a mean woman and you have been warned. 

After a quick warmup that consists of military march, squats with x’s, lunges, and rotations, you begin the first circuit. In this workout, you do one long circuit that’s about 15 minutes long, and then repeat the circuit again, going quicker. You go up and down from doing mat work to standing ab work in this workout. You begin with knee thrusts and then backwards lunges with back extensions. You move on to burpees, and then squat rotation, where you squat down and then twist so you touch your right elbow to left knee and vice versa. After that is side lunges with a side bend. I had to drop the weight for that one. 

Next you hit the mat and extend your right leg out straight and your right arm straight, and then crunch up. After that she has you roll over and your do supermans with a lat pull. Raise up into plank position and do plank jacks. Next you do the same arm and leg crunch on the opposite side. Then she has you doing double leg stretch, which she says is a pilates move. That one was tough and I learned my core wasn’t as strong as I thought it was! Afterwards, Jillian has you doing side crunches, and then diagonal getups. Next comes extended walking plank, which I really liked, and then repeat side plank and the diagonal getups on the other side.

And next comes the last five moves that make me want to cry. Okay, not really. Well. Who knows! Even Jillian admits it’s cruel but for our own goods! It’s side plank with knee twists and spider planks with alternating legs. Both moves I imagine are what the people who are stuck in hell are doing. ;) Then comes mountain climbers, and you repeat side plank and knee twists on the other side. Finish up the circuit with bridge kicks. 

That’s it! Now you just get to repeat it, and faster! ;) 

I really liked this workout, but I will be honest. When you do the circuit over faster, some of the moves seem less safe. My back actually hurt consistently while doing this workout. I’m not sure if it’s because I may have been doing the moves wrong (I don’t think so though), using too heavy of a dumb bell (I was using 8’s), or if I was just trying to go too fast and keep up with Jillian. Once I remembered that I didn’t *have* to keep up with Jillian, it helped ease my back some, but that kind of killed my ego, and for that, I’m thinking that may be why Level 1 of Six Week Six Pack isn’t my favorite. It could also be the fact that I still really hate ab work. ;). Nothing will ever change! 

While I didn’t take measurements or really track my weight, I did notice significant changes when I looked in the mirror. Definitely was starting to get definition by the end of the three weeks, which was super exciting! Before this, I really wasn’t doing a lot of ab work, so this was really encouraging to see. As always, Jillian delivers!

Well, that lasted long.

Well, that lasted long.

My breakup with Jillian, that is. I was shopping at Sam’s Club back in January and I saw Six Week Six Pack for $8. It just sat there taunting and taunting me. Buy me, buy me. You’ve been doing the GymRa youtube videos for six months and you’ve been thinking of switching back, perfect opportunity to buy me, buy me. 

I gave in to the temptation and bought it, and a couple days later I started the program, or at least began Level 1. I’ll go further in depth soon (I promise) but after doing Level 1 for just over three weeks, I switched to Ripped In 30, which I loved the second time around even more! (I will touch base on that also soon!) But then I realized that it was time to buck up, and do Level 2 of 6W6P. I’ll be honest, this one *scared* me. The moves looked SO HARD! And Level 1, I learned that my core wasn’t as strong as I thought and it made my back ache. But once I did it, I loved it. 

And since mid-to-late January, I’ve been doing Jillian workouts again. That breakup lasted long. ;) But it’s been nice to go back to something familiar. Sometime soon I’d like to try some new workouts that I’ve been holding off on trying (such as One Week Shred, particularly the strength workout) and find some new workouts on GymRa’s youtube and maybe make up a schedule of a new routine a day to see what happens. I’m not sure if I’ve hit another plateau or what. I put about 7-10lbs (depending on the day) back on in November and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get those 10lbs off. It’s only a few pounds, but technically, I’ve never hit my goal weight since starting this journey. I have my “realistic” goal weight, my “unrealistic” goal weight (which is more like a dream weight, who doesn’t want to weigh 120lbs?) My body may just be at the weight it likes to be with, and if so, I’ll have to come to terms with that. I’m still not happy with my body and I’m not sure I ever will be. That’s a scary thought, because I’ve hopefully got another 55+ years in this body! (That puts me at 84+). But I’m willing to try and trick it and see what’s going on. Probably eating the same thing over and over again and running on the treadmill every day for an hour doesn’t help; I know I should mix it up, but that’s where I’m hoping strength comes in because I just love running so much. I never thought I’d be the girl that would get up and go for a run. 

I haven’t forgotten about this blog. I want to inspire others but I also want to make this an accurate account of what goes on when someone loses a lot of weight, and just like any journey, whether it’s a health journey, a weight loss journey, a journey from here to there, there are bumps in the road. Occasionally you have to go in another direction. But even though we all know that, it’s still hard for me to talk about those bumps in the road. 

Until next time! (Which should be very soon!)

Natalie Yco's Cardio Kickboxing with jump rope.

Sorry for the delay! Here’s the fourth workout I began doing consistently after breaking up with Jillian. It’s a Natalie Yco cardio kickboxing workout with a jump rope and it’s definitely one of my top five favorite workouts, if not my all-time favorite workout. Words can’t possibly express how much I adore this workout so I won’t even bother gushing about it, I’ll get right down to the nitty gritty and talk about the workout itself - just know that I love it and it is AMAZING!

Natalie starts you out with doing a quick warm up, jumping jacks, lunges with rotations, swinging legs, and punches. She then has you go right into the workout, jumping rope for a minute. The way she designed this workout is you do one minute jump roping, and then another minute doing a kickboxing move, repeat jump rope, repeat with a new kickboxing move. I don’t actually use a jump rope, but I mimic the moves and hold my three pound weights during the jump rope sections to get a bit of an extra calorie burn. After your first time jump roping, your first kickboxing move is a move where you turn to the side into lunge and punch, come up and punch forward for two, and then two punches down in squat, and then from squat you move to lunge. I know that sounds like a lot, but the video will show it better. You twist to the right for the first 30 seconds, and then twist to the left for the next 30 seconds. After another minute of jump roping, your kickboxing move for the next minute is a squat, front kick, squat, front kick with the opposite leg. Get ready to feel the burn! Jump roping, and then a side lunge to a side kick. 30 seconds going right, and then 30 seconds going left. I really like this one because - nerd alert! - I was/still am a wrestling fan growing up, and side kicks always remind me of Shawn Michaels. Sweet chin music, anyone? Haha! After jump rope, you do my next favorite move is where you bring your knee up, punch with your elbow, bring your knee up again, and then a back kick. After 30 seconds you switch legs, and then start jump roping again! After jump roping, you shuffle side to side punching for a minute. The next moves are three kicks, a front kick and a jumping jack, alternating legs, and then a fun move where you punch and bring your knee up. That one reminded me of dancing! Then in jumping lunges, she has you punching out to the side. Next, she has you do a round kick, and a jumping jack alternating legs. After that, you do jumping jacks one last time, and then your final move is two jumping jacks, and two front kicks, one kick per leg. And then it’s time to cool down, and you have earned it! 

I LOVE this workout. I love cardio and this is a cardio kickboxing workout. And I’ve been a big fan of Natalie’s for a long time, so this workout was just made for me! (Okay, not made for me, but I can pretend, right?!) 

If you’re interested, you can check it out and do the workout yourself with the link below!