Finding the joy in fitness again

Hey guys! Wow, still can’t believe that I kept that last post up. I’ll be honest: It was kind of liberating in a way! Since then, I’ve been working very hard to try to find the joy in fitness again and not be so controlled by the need to get on the treadmill or do my workout. I want to enjoy my life, and if I start dreading all this now when I still have (hopefully) years and years to live, it’ll not be a fun life to live!

I recently bought a stand up paddle board (SUP), which is something I’ve wanted to try for a long, long time! I read about it in a book and it sounded interesting, especially after the protagonist in the book talked about how it was such a great workout. Haha. (Seriously though, I’ve always been interested in water sports, water skiing, jet skiing, swimming. I like to think it’s because I was born under the sign of the water bearer!) I googled stand up paddle boarding though, and beyond the idea of a great workout, it looked SO FUN. And quickly it became something I wanted to try, and then it became a major interest. So for the last couple of years, I’ve been hemming and hawing over buying a board or renting one and trying it somewhere nearby. I looked up all kinds of prices and different types, from inflatable to solid. It just so happened that I was at my local Walmart, and saw one, and like always, I went to look at it and dream about paddle boarding, and then I noticed the price. A good $200 cheaper than the cheapest one I had seen. What. I went home thinking it might be too good to be true, and did some research online again, when I learned that that paddle board was actually rated fairly highly at other places online. I watched a few review videos on youtube, and then double checked the prices again, on different sporting good websites, amazon, and on Walmart’s actual website, where the same exact paddle board was super high. What?! So, we went back, double checked, and the paddle board was legitimately being sold for under $70. The man who worked there said that they were definitely losing money on the boards selling them for that price, but they were just wanting to get rid of them. I somehow lucked out! I bought the last board except for the display. 

I’ve gotten it out on the water once and really, really enjoyed it! I only fell once, and that was after the first time standing up. Once I got standing again, I really did it! I only fell one other time, but that was purposely because I wanted to get back on the board in the middle of the lake just to make sure that wouldn’t be an issue. haha. I felt like I had a good grasp on it, and I’m actually going again tomorrow. I’m looking really forward to it. It’s something fun and active that doesn’t feel like a chore, and that’s wonderful. And it’s a good non-scale victory too. If I hadn’t lost the weight, would I be able to do this? Paddle boards have a weight limit, ya know! Plus, balancing, being fit enough to paddle for long periods of time, and so on. While on the board the last time, standing in the middle of the lake, I almost got emotional. I wanted to go back and thank the old me. It was her, after all, who decided to get up and jump on the DDR pad, and make it a routine.

On the subject of DDR, I MISS IT! I think I need to invest in a soft pad so I can play more often. I think that might help bring back some of the joy in fitness. I began a new Jillian program about six weeks ago. It’s Jillian’s Body Revolution (reviews to come soon - and there are a lot! It’s a 90 day, 12 workout program!) and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize that football runs or fast feet is incredibly similar to DDR moves! I used to hate fast feet until I was able to find a way to relate it to DDR. Woohoo! 

How’s summer going for everyone?

Have you recently tried something you’ve wanted to try?

Losing your way during a health journey

Hey guys! I can’t believe June is here! Seems like the year just started, right? Wow! All I know is that I am so happy for the summer weather. It seems I tolerate the cold less and less as the years go by and thrive on the sunshine that comes with spring and summer. I definitely fall victim to the winter blahs and this year was no exception, so I’m really glad summer is nearby. 

On the subject of blah’s, this is a blog entry that I’ve been trying to write for several months. No joke, I have started it probably twenty times. I stop halfway through, I save it, and I never go back to finishing it. If you’re reading this, well, first of all, your awesome and secondly, I actually finished and managed to put it up! It’s hard for me to say what I’m about to say, but I think it’s important, too. I want to inspire people but there are some parts of this health journey that haven’t been all peaches and cream and rainbows and unicorns, and it’s important to touch on base of that as well.

I sometimes (or oftentimes) feel like a fraud, or a liar, or just someone who is misleading. And the reason I feel that way is because I try very hard to be positive, because I truly believe that we need more positivity in the world. There is so much negativity right now and I’d rather be a light than a shadow. And I fully believe that encouragement and positivity is necessary in this journey. A weight loss or a healthy journey/lifestyle is already an extremely positive experience, but is also can be extremely stressful, or at least it is for me. I’ll be honest: things have been kind of rough for a while. I’m not sure when, where, or even IF this has exactly happened, but somewhere along the lines, I think I lost my why. Or maybe my reasons for starting a health journey were never that great in the first place (if you didn’t know, I began my journey after a fight with a former friend), or maybe I never had a why in the first place and always just thought I did. 

Right now, I work out every day, twice a day; an hour run, and a Jillian or strength workout in the evenings. I rarely take a rest day, even when injured (which I’ve been dealing with injuries for a while now). While I’m not as strict with my diet as I have been in the past, I’m stricter than I was last year. If I eat something I deem unhealthy, I feel an intense amount of guilt. I track and count calories, and doing that at the end of the day really tends to bum me out, sometimes even triggering some panic attacks or guilt at eating. Crazy that one would feel guilty over doing something they need to do to survive, right? Rest days are also a major bummer because I don’t feel like I deserve to eat when I don’t do something to burn it off, and therefore I don’t take them much, even when injuries arise. Back in November, I took almost the whole month off while I dealt with an injury (and a cold that took forever to go away) and it really messed with my psyche, and it’s stuck with me. Back in November, my mind constantly raced, always thinking about my workouts or lack thereof, terrified of what the scale would say if I hopped on it, constantly thinking of all the weight I was putting on eating bowls of chicken soup and crackers. I began panicking about the idea of gaining even a single pound. I was taking to people I hadn’t talked to in years, getting compliments of my new and slimmer silhouette, and suddenly it got me wondering why. Why? People I haven’t talked to in years, who were never interested in getting to know me or keep in touch are suddenly so interested in me. Is it because I’ve lost weight? I like the attention, I love the compliments. I mean, who doesn’t like the compliments after working super hard!? A lot of people are used to the changes I’ve made now, so when I run into someone new, I like hearing the compliments. I think they matter more to me now than they did when I was first starting out because they help keep me motivated. But with all this attention comes the questions and those fears. What happens if I happen to gain a little bit back? Whether it’s because I’m sick, injured, or just fell off the bandwagon for a few weeks. Will I suddenly be forgotten again because I’ve put weight on? What is it with people telling me I’m suddenly a funny girl and worth it, when I’m the same girl I was 100lbs ago? Sometimes I feel like everything is wrapped up around my weight, I measure myself in numbers. Weight, calories, minutes exercised. This has always been on the back of my mind during this health journey, but since November, it’s been on the forefront of my mind; a daily thought. I feel like I’m working out crazy amounts, eating strictly healthy, exercising while in a lot of pain, and right now really struggling with trying to enjoy it all. I look at my body, and I’m not happy with it. Where as I used to be able to see changes I’ve made, all I see are flaws and the desire to work out more and eat healthier. Is this even possible? But I’m still not happy with it, and so I’m not sure where I am. Even more, when I think back to my why and my reasons to begin this whole journey, I can’t even remember them. 

I’m not sure what to do, who to go to, but I know that I need something or someone. I need answers somewhere. I know I can’t be the only one who’s experienced this, but I’ve not had much luck finding them. It’s hard to talk about though, and I hope that this might encourage others to come out and talk about it, too! I want this blog to be a positive place, but also accurate, and right now this is where I am. Sometimes I feel like I need to start over again. Give the treadmill a rest and start playing DDR or find something new that recharges my mind. Find my enjoyment again. What used to be so much fun is now a chore, and this scares me also, because this is a lifestyle. It’s not something that I can quit doing. But what I’m doing right now is not healthy either. What scares me the most is that I feel like I don’t feel like I have much control over my life. I feel like I’m being controlled by some kind of thing in my mind that I can’t pinpoint, and that’s why I think somewhere along the way, I’ve lost something. I know something is not right, but I’m not sure how to fix it. 

Have you ever felt this way or know someone who has?