Hey guys! Wow, so hard to believe summer is almost over! Major bummer! I have definitely enjoyed the amazing weather we’ve had this year - super hot, just the way I like it! Every year I always worry about having a mild summer, which makes those pool passes I get a waste, and this summer has not been a disappointment! I love, love, love getting a good sweat on, but running in mid afternoon heat for an hour is almost an over load. Almost. Running has definitely been a vice for me. I never, ever thought that I would be the girl that got up and got a run in soon after getting out of bed! I look back at myself four years ago and I can’t believe the way I have changed both physically and mentally. The positive changes are astounding!
There are some things that haven’t quite changed and that’s what I’m going to touch base on today. It’s been a while since I’ve put up a new blog post and that’s because this one has been so hard to write. (In fact I had to re-write the opening because when I first started writing this, it was the beginning of summer! See what I mean?) It’s about something I struggle with and I’m always hesitant to write about my struggles here because my goal is to inspire. But I feel like this is an important topic and something that a lot of people deal with, so here it is. I’m going to talk about Fat Girl Mentality. If you’re not sure what Fat Girl Mentality actually is, it’s that constant feeling that people are laughing, pointing, whispering, judging you, and making fun of you all because of your weight and size. It definitely happens when you’re larger, the snide remarks, the stares. That feeling that anyone who looks at you is just judging or even just looking your way because of your size.
I’m going to be real here, I spent years getting teased and made fun of to my face when I was a child. As I got older, people didn’t say it to my face as much, but I heard things being said when people didn’t know I was there. Let me tell you, things like that tend to scar you for life, especially if you’re like me. I know I’m a sensitive person and things don’t bounce off my shoulders as easily as it does some people, but the teasing still gets me, even as an adult. It doesn’t do miracles for your confidence, I can assure you that. And it sticks with you, it really does. Sometimes I still feel like everyone is looking me, pointing at me, I can even hear the laughter in my head after I leave about the fat girl trying on clothes or shoes and not having any luck. It’s that constant subconscious feeling that you are not worthy and the butt of the joke because of your size. I know I mentioned a few months ago that I desperately need shoes; my old running shoes were a size too big (even with sizing up for running) but they were also over eight years old. You could bend them in half. While looking for new shoes, I must have went to Famous Footwear 10 times, I made a special trip to an outlet mall about 45 minutes away that had 10 or so different shoe stores. Absolutely no luck. I tried men’s shoes, boys shoes, wide width women’s. I have really wide feet, I wear a double wide, and you just can’t easily find double wide running shoes. Shoe shopping is the bane of my existence, I’d rather show for a bathing suit and model it walking through the whole entire mall. Crazy! It was like a reminder of that failure all over again. Who knew that shoe shopping could incite such feelings? It reminded me of shopping for a prom dress or even just a nice outfit for a special occasion and finding nothing that looked right. I imagined the minute I left the store all the sales clerks breathing a sigh of relief that I was gone. It just was such a pain in the butt and I felt so guilty. But all those feelings made me realize that Fat Girl Mentality is totally a real thing. Despite losing over 100lbs, I still feel like the fat girl, the butt of the joke, I see flaws, and while I’ve never been diagnosed, I think I suffer from body dysmorphia. I really don’t know exactly what I look like. I wish I could clone myself or see a girl with the exact same measurements as me, just so I could see what I look like, because I still don’t know what I look like looking in the mirror, or even in pictures. Somedays I think I look great but many other times, I can only point out the negatives and I don’t think I’m seeing myself for who and what I truly am. I still find it hard to believe that’s me in my profile pic on Facebook sometimes!
I’m not exactly sure how I can beat the Fat Girl Mentality I have, and that’s another reason why it is hard for me to write this. I like to have solutions to my problem. I was overweight my whole life (and technically still am considered “overweight” according to BMI charts, which I know are a load of bull in most cases!) and I’ve been at a healthy weight for only a small portion of it, so I know that has something to do with it. The scary thing is that I might not ever be happy with my body. That's what makes all the hard work I've put in the last four years really hard, too; despite it all, I'm still not happy with my body (or certain aspects of my life right now). But with that said, every day I try my best, and I think that is the important thing. I might not ever be completely recovered from this thing called Fat Girl Mentality, but I am recovering. I am trying hard, and that’s all I can do.
Here’s a shoutout to all those people who are working on loving their body, because it’s that crap is hard, and I commend you!
