Is it really a "healthy" lifestyle or just a mask of a healthy lifestyle?

Beware, I'm whining.

The scale has not always been my friend. In fact, it's always been my mortal enemy, unless it feels like going down. And then it's my best friend. But it's rarely my bestie.

So as we all know (or we don't know? Does anyone actually read this? ha), I'm a little more than halfway through Body Revolution. After last November's hip injury that sidelined me for a month, and then the calf which made me elliptical dependent, and who knows what else (poor diet choices maybe?), the scale has been going upwards. I’ll be honest: thought that doing Body Revolution would finally make the scale going down. I envisioned it, imagined it out. I hopped on the scale the day before I started, took before photos and measurements - the best I could doing both of these alone, and despite Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas looming, I made the commitment to redo Body Revolution and eat as clean as possible. I think I'm doing pretty good, ya know? I mean, sure, I did enjoy Thanksgiving, but for the most part, I like to think I eat pretty clean, I definitely am very calorie conscious, but really? I saw myself in mid-January, rocking a body that did NOT look like Christmas abs.

Well, so far, that’s not been the case.

I don't know anyone who works out as much as I do (in addition to Body Rev, I run for an hour a day, and on Body Rev days off, I usually do Country Heat workouts) and eats as healthy as I do, as little as I do, and still gains weight. I'll be honest, too: it's discouraging as hell. I've talked about how I don't really have a great support system when it comes to diet. I watch everyone stuff their face with brownies, pumpkin pies, fast food, macaroni and cheese. I typically say no but when I say yes, I measure out meticulously. I'm usually okay with other people's negative eating habits, but get a little jealous. Wow, I'd love a brownie, or some McDonalds. And not only that, but I'd love that and also love to not have the guilt that comes with it. The voice in my mind that beats me down for being human and wanting a cupcake. On the other side, I'm constantly dealing with random injuries. I work myself out to where I’m in pain every single day. The heating pad (or bath tub) is my best friend. I'm not joking when I say I have dreams in which Jillian Michaels is screaming in the background. I sometimes wake up in a panic thinking I missed a workout. It's *always* on my mind. And with how seriously devoted I am to all this, it's extremely discouraging that it doesn't show on the scale. I know, ditch the scale and use measurements, but that number is still important to me.

Even more, it’s starting to affect me in other ways, too. I know that I am not very nice anymore. I'm snappy and rude because I'm constantly uptight and thinking about this stuff. I would love to make plans to hang out with people, but honestly, I am so fixated on healthy eating and not missing a workout that going off my schedule freaks me out. I’m sure I could enjoy myself, but when the fun is over and I’m alone, it’s either a night of panic attacks because I didn’t work out or eat healthy, or it’s a workout at 3AM because of it. Holidays make me nervous because I have to work in a day of no working out plus food I haven't prepared.

Frankly, I’m sick of it all. I’m sick of being injured, totally focused on calories, scared to have fun, and unhappy in general. It's like I went from one unhealthy lifestyle to another unhealthy lifestyle that masks itself as healthy, or as a success story. After being called fat my whole life and feeling like I was nothing, and having people say that to me (or about me), I love my thinner silhouette and what I have accomplished (despite the issues I have now). I say thinner silhouette, because I don’t feel thin. I don't love my body. I don't think I ever will. I don't think I ever have! Weight has been an issue for me since I was a little girl, long before I knew about self loving myself. This terrifies me, that I will never be happy with my body, that I will constantly be glued to the scale, calories, eating healthy, exercising, burning, injuries. What scares me is that this is my life. Despite all that unhappiness, I don’t want to give it up. I do want to find a balance, but I’m not sure how.

Body Revolution: Phase 2, Workout 5

I did Phase 2, Workout 5 just a little while ago. I’m gonna talk about it while it’s fresh on my mind. I gotta be honest: this one is probably one of my least favorite Jillian workouts. One word that comes to mind? Pain.

Your warmup consists of four sun salutations from yoga. Sometimes I feel like I’m not getting a good stretch from this but other times I do, so I guess it depends on just how loose my muscles are. You spend a lot of time in plank position for your first circuit! She has you do a pushup into side plank as your very first move, and I’ll be honest: that one bums me out! I can do military style pushups occasionally, but I often have to modify. It kills my ego! I’m not sure if I have the right form and that’s why my wrists, elbows, and arms don’t move that way, or of it’s simply because my wrists, elbows and arms don’t move that way! haha. I want to turn my wrists in or out, and not keep them straight. I’ve also experimented with having my legs wider or closer together. I’m worried that I might be making the workouts too easy though. That’s one of the downfalls of doing at home workouts and not having a personal trainer or someone knowledgeable watch my form and see if they can offer some insight on that. Mountain climbers are back, and I have mixed feelings with them. Jillian also favors crescent post in this workout, and she has you do tricep presses in crescent, and jump squats while holding weights if you want a little extra. 

I like circuit two is my favorite, but I can’t help but roll my eyes when Jillian tells you to get light weights (I’m assuming 3’s) and to do shoulder presses while in sumo squat. She talks about how you haven’t seen something like that before, but being familiar with her other programs, I’m pretty familiar with it, and definitely go heavier than she recommends. I find it a bit weird. Wood chops are back, which feel to me more like a baseball swing. Linking my favorite sport to this move has helped me like it better. Funny how that works! I enjoy scissor abs but I don’t stick my hands under my tailbone like Jillian suggests. High knees for cardio, which I admittedly sissy out of because high knees are what messed up my calf and I’m so afraid of messing it up again.

Circuit 3 is mean. It’s another ego killing circuit, haha. It makes my shoulders BURN. She has you use the resistance band. Mine is way different than Jillian’s. Hers has handles and seems to be like a tube, mine is about a 6ft long and 6in wide long piece of rubber. So it’s hard to do some of the moves in the way she wants it without the handles, but I do my best with what I have. In crescent pose with the resistance band, you do like a hug move. Open your arms out into a T and close them in front of your chest, and then on the floor in crab position to do tricep presses with one leg up. She has you do punches in crescent pose, also with the resistance band for cardio. Mean, mean woman. My poor arms, shoulders. I’ll love it when I put on a tank top, but doing it, I want to cry. :) 

Circuit 4 annoys me because I feel like it gets my heart rate way down and I don’t feel like I’m doing anything, although I know I am. Fitbit backs up the heart rate concern, but with that said, I know Fitbit’s aren’t 100% accurate. But I also do think I need to find ways to make this harder, and you may need to as well, depending on your level. She has you do single leg squats raising the weight up over your head, and then on the floor on your side, doing a tricep press. The up and down gets a bit frustrating too; every 30 seconds you’re dropping to the floor or popping up and for this one, it gets me a little dizzy, especially with it being towards the end.

Phew. This workout is one I will be happy that I only had to do four times! (Other workouts I love so much I’m bummed I only get to do them four times!) There are just some workouts that I am totally not fond of, and this is one of them. And that’s okay. In whole, I adore the program, and I’ll still do this workout for a random pick me up once I’m through with Body Rev! I might go back to this one once I complete the whole program again to see if I still find it as challenging as I do now, just to compare how strong I’ve gotten through the course of the program! 

Reviewing Body Rev and I re-do Body Rev.

Hey guys! Sorry about the delay on my Body Rev review for Phase 2 and 3. I started working on Phase 2 by memory and have the file saved, but I recently restarted Body Rev, and I start Phase 2 of the workouts tonight! So I'm thinking of trying something a little different and giving my opinion of the workouts as I do them. Hopefully within the next two weeks I'll have Phase 5 and 6 up. Since it'll be something I'm doing currently, it'll be fresh on my mind, and the reviews might even be better.

I should have done this with workouts 1-4 plus cardio, but I had my previous review up before I restarted Body Rev and I wasn't sure what to do. I finished that up on Friday. I keep Saturday as my scheduled Jillian rest day (although I tend to do Country Heat or some other super fun workout on those days, usually dance related!). I still have the same opinion of Phase 1 as I did before. I loved it, but I probably could have skipped Phase 1 all together. I didn't because I adore the Cardio 1 DVD and the first four weeks of lower intensity workouts helped me heal from yet another injury I sustained. Back in August, I was doing a Gymra workout, and while doing some high knees, my calf began to hurt (as if I had tore something). I iced it afterwards, and the next day it was sore as I ran, but then it went away with 1-2 days. I didn't think much of it until I was doing the same workout (AND high knees, too!) and I heard an audible pop and then immediate pain. Finishing the workout was a major challenge, and for the next several weeks I had on and off weird calf pain. It'd go away and I'd start walking, and then build up to running, and then the first day I pushed it with intensity, the pain would be back as if it were day one with the injury. Oh man, it was such a bummer. I couldn't run at all, and I took about a month off of running. I brought my ancient old elliptical down from the attic and used it. (It actually was a nice break from running and it's made me realize that I don't have to run, I can do other stuff!) Finally I got back to running five weeks ago. I ran with my "normal" intensity and gave it a week to make sure that I didn't mess my calf up again. Luckily it went well, so I started Body Rev again. I wanted to make sure I felt like I could push myself. I took measurements and before and after pictures. Hopefully I will be brave enough to share them when the program is over! ;)

How is Autumn going for everyone? :)

Body Revolution Phase 1 Rundown

Jillian Michaels - Body Revolution - Phase 1

So here’s a rundown of Phase 1 of Body Revolution! Phase 1 covers the whole first month. There are five workouts in Phase 1 (P1) - four strength training workouts and one cardio workout. 

P1, Workout 1: Like every Jillian workout, you start with a warm up. This one has military march, arm swings, hip and knee circles. Once you’re warmed up, you’re ready to work! In Body Revolution, you have four circuits. In each circuit, you have three moves, you do a cardio interval, and then you repeat the three moves. Circuit one has squats, pushups, plank hold, and then chest flies. Cardio is something called towel run, which is where you pretend to run around a towel on the ground. I really liked this for some reason! Circuit two was sumo squats, tricep kickback, and standing abductions. Cardio was speedbag, which is a favorite of mine. Circuit 3 was chair squat with a front raise, standing tricep extension, standing in Warrior 2 Post, and then cardio interval was marching in place. Fourth circuit was leg extensions, bicycle crunches, leg extensions on the other side, and then lateral raises. Cardio interval was a squat out to the side. And then you cool down. 

P1, Workout 2: So again, you start with a warmup that has dynamic stretches to get your heart rate up. I think I remember skaters, arm swings, and toe touches in the warmup. Circuit one had you on your hands and knees, extending one leg back and opposite arm out (bird dog), pelvic thrusts with a resistance band, superman, and then pelvic thrusts on the other side. Cardio was alternating knee thrusts. Circuit 2 had static lunge with rotations, wide dumbbell rows, static lunge on the other side, and the bicep drags. Cardio was side to side kickbacks. Circuit 3 had deadlift with bicep curls, donkey kicks, crunches, and then donkey kicks not he other wide, with knee hikes for cardio. Last circuit has you doing seated rows with your resistance band, good mornings, hammer curls, and step ups. Cardio was uppercuts in squat.  And then it’s time to cool down!

P1, Workout 3: Quick warmup with a bit of cardio and dynamic stretching to get your body warm (jumping jacks, cat/cow stretch) and you’re ready to go! Circuit one has pushups, walkout planks, lunges, and downward dog with a leg grab. Cardio is jump rope and you repeat all the strength moves. Circuit 2 included sumo squats with a tricep extension, camel, squat presses, and cable presses, and you repeat these after your cardio interval, which is squat punches. Onward to circuit three where you do plank into crescent pose, crab, and side crunches, and repeating on the other side after plie hops. Finishing up with Circuit 4, you do tree pose with a lateral raise, plank up (which I despise), and inchworm. Your cardio is skiers. You finish up with a cool down - you’ve earned it!!

P1, Workout 4: You’re almost done with the first month! Woo hoo! So, after a quick cardio and stretching warmup, you start circuit one with alternating forward lunges, rows in squat position, and single leg deadlifts with upright rows, which you repeat after your cardio intervals of plyometric skaters. Circuit 2 has side lunges and bicep curls, bent over wide rows, surrender lunges, and weighted step ups, which you repeat after lateral/side to side hops. Next is thigh lifts, which I loved this little break. Lay on your side and put a dumbbell on the outside of your leg and lift them up! Alternating leg lifts in blank, and hollow man, and then you repeat all that after fast feet. In your final circuit of the final month, you do terry pulls, weighted good mornings, and something called squirms. You repeat that after your cardio interval that is a combo of jab, cross, and hook. I loved these! And then cool down! You’ve earned it! 

Cardio 1: So cardio starts quick and ends quick. Since it’s a straight up cardio workout, no warmup is needed. There are eihgt exercises that last a minute long, and you repeat it three times, making it about 28 minutes long, and then a cool down. The workout includes march in place, fast feet, half squat with punches, jogging in place, running man, speed bag, arm circle kickouts, and suicide runs. I’ve always been a cardio girl so this cardio was right down my alley. I loved it!

So, the first two weeks, I found pretty easy. In most Jillian workouts, she has you working two muscle groups at once. For example, while doing things like tricep extensions, you’re also doing squats and working legs and arms at the same time. With the first two weeks of Body Revolution, you’re not doing that, you’re only working one muscle group at the same time. I felt like I could have skipped the first two weeks, to be honest, but I also enjoyed it as it was a good way to rebuild myself up. Although I had started back up with Jillian workouts and repeated Ripped In 30 and played around with some other DVD’s, it was fun to start a new program from the beginning. If you’ve worked out with Jillian before, you may not need the first two phases. Personally, I still would squat or lunge while working my arms, and vice versa. Otherwise, it really was a bit too easy for me. (It doesn’t last though. Just wait! You’ve been warned!) The third and the fourth week were a little better, but I still revved it up. If you’re familiar with Jillian or done them before, you know that you can take it further. Just listen to your body, it’s your workout!

Introducing Body Revolution!

Hey guys! I did something that really intimidated me: I completed Body Revolution! Woo hoo! I was planning on blogging about it as I went but life happened. I’m still trying to decide on exactly how I want to break it down. Every two weeks you change your workout. Usually when I review a DVD, I break each workout down by levels, about about the majority of the exercises, but if that were the case, there would be a TON of entries. I initially thought I would break it down by weeks (week 1 and 2, week 3 and 4, and so on all the way up to week 11 and 12) but that would be a lot of entries on one program also, although shorter than one entry per exercise. Earlier today while thinking of how I was going to do the blog, I even thought about breaking it into phases. There are three (each month equals a phase) so that would cut it down to three entries about Body Revolution, not counting this one. If anyone has a preference, let me know! Lots of reading for you equals lots of typing for me and I’ve proven I can be a bit slow. ;)(That’s not that I don’t think of this blog all the time!!)

So Body Revolution. Ninety days. Oh man, guys, I just kept putting it off and putting it off. What if it progressed into something way too hard? What if I couldn’t do it? But…what if I could?? Ultimately I started Body Revolution because (not surprising!) I was scheduled to do an ab/core workout and uggggh! I still hate core workouts. They are a waist!! (Get it? Waist, waste, core workout…) Not wanting to do it, I remembered I had Body Revolution just sitting there and boom. I watched Week 1, really thought I would enjoy it, and that’s it. :)

So Body Revolution is different from any other Jillian DVD I’ve done. Instead of having two people in the background doing modified and advanced moves, there is a whole room of people! And this includes favorites of mine such as Natalie, Anita, Mimi and others from other DVD’s, but new people too! I really liked that there was a good mix of men and women in this program, because I felt like I might actually get a few guys to work out with me, and not feel that it was just a “girly” workout. This workout progresses, too! It really is a building block program. Each workout gets harder and harder. The great thing is that it changes every two weeks, so there is no getting bored. (Or if you’re like me, if there is a particular workout you despise, you only have to do it for two weeks, a total of four times!!! haha!) There is 15 workouts in total. Twelve strength training workouts, and three cardio workouts. It’s separated in three months, or phases. Month/Phase 1 is includes Cardio 1, Workouts 1, 2, 3, and 4. Phase 2 is Cardio 2 and Workouts 5, 6, 7, and 8. And Phase 3 is Cardio 3 and workouts 9, 10, 11, and 12. So for the first two weeks, you do workout 1, workout 2, cardio 1 each twice a week (Monday and Thursdays could be workout 1, Tuesdays and Fridays workout 2, and Wednesday and Saturday cardio 1), and have one rest day. Then on week 3-4, you do the same things except instead of workouts 1 and 2, changed those with 3-4 and continue with Cardio 1. It’s the same schedule as you progress to a new phase. Each workout twice a week (cardio remains the same for the whole month). I loved how except for the cardio (which did get a little bit boring by the time it came to switch) I was never bored!

The cast/background people are super motivating and it was great to see some of my favorites and get some new favorites! Mimi made me laugh just as much in this one as she makes me laugh in Killer Body. There were some moves that I had never done before in a Jillian workout so that was really cool! In all, the program was an amazing success! I definitely notice changes in my body that I could not see before, and that’s awesome, because I was beginning to feel a little stuck. I truly believe that a beginner could start with this (I felt that the beginning was a bit easy, but I will go into more details when I give a more detailed review) and be proud of what they’ve accomplished when they get near the end. I truly feel that way and I’ve been doing these type of workouts for a few years now!

Body Revolution may be my new favorite Jillian program and I am so excited to go further into detail soon! 

Finding the joy in fitness again

Hey guys! Wow, still can’t believe that I kept that last post up. I’ll be honest: It was kind of liberating in a way! Since then, I’ve been working very hard to try to find the joy in fitness again and not be so controlled by the need to get on the treadmill or do my workout. I want to enjoy my life, and if I start dreading all this now when I still have (hopefully) years and years to live, it’ll not be a fun life to live!

I recently bought a stand up paddle board (SUP), which is something I’ve wanted to try for a long, long time! I read about it in a book and it sounded interesting, especially after the protagonist in the book talked about how it was such a great workout. Haha. (Seriously though, I’ve always been interested in water sports, water skiing, jet skiing, swimming. I like to think it’s because I was born under the sign of the water bearer!) I googled stand up paddle boarding though, and beyond the idea of a great workout, it looked SO FUN. And quickly it became something I wanted to try, and then it became a major interest. So for the last couple of years, I’ve been hemming and hawing over buying a board or renting one and trying it somewhere nearby. I looked up all kinds of prices and different types, from inflatable to solid. It just so happened that I was at my local Walmart, and saw one, and like always, I went to look at it and dream about paddle boarding, and then I noticed the price. A good $200 cheaper than the cheapest one I had seen. What. I went home thinking it might be too good to be true, and did some research online again, when I learned that that paddle board was actually rated fairly highly at other places online. I watched a few review videos on youtube, and then double checked the prices again, on different sporting good websites, amazon, and on Walmart’s actual website, where the same exact paddle board was super high. What?! So, we went back, double checked, and the paddle board was legitimately being sold for under $70. The man who worked there said that they were definitely losing money on the boards selling them for that price, but they were just wanting to get rid of them. I somehow lucked out! I bought the last board except for the display. 

I’ve gotten it out on the water once and really, really enjoyed it! I only fell once, and that was after the first time standing up. Once I got standing again, I really did it! I only fell one other time, but that was purposely because I wanted to get back on the board in the middle of the lake just to make sure that wouldn’t be an issue. haha. I felt like I had a good grasp on it, and I’m actually going again tomorrow. I’m looking really forward to it. It’s something fun and active that doesn’t feel like a chore, and that’s wonderful. And it’s a good non-scale victory too. If I hadn’t lost the weight, would I be able to do this? Paddle boards have a weight limit, ya know! Plus, balancing, being fit enough to paddle for long periods of time, and so on. While on the board the last time, standing in the middle of the lake, I almost got emotional. I wanted to go back and thank the old me. It was her, after all, who decided to get up and jump on the DDR pad, and make it a routine.

On the subject of DDR, I MISS IT! I think I need to invest in a soft pad so I can play more often. I think that might help bring back some of the joy in fitness. I began a new Jillian program about six weeks ago. It’s Jillian’s Body Revolution (reviews to come soon - and there are a lot! It’s a 90 day, 12 workout program!) and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize that football runs or fast feet is incredibly similar to DDR moves! I used to hate fast feet until I was able to find a way to relate it to DDR. Woohoo! 

How’s summer going for everyone?

Have you recently tried something you’ve wanted to try?

Losing your way during a health journey

Hey guys! I can’t believe June is here! Seems like the year just started, right? Wow! All I know is that I am so happy for the summer weather. It seems I tolerate the cold less and less as the years go by and thrive on the sunshine that comes with spring and summer. I definitely fall victim to the winter blahs and this year was no exception, so I’m really glad summer is nearby. 

On the subject of blah’s, this is a blog entry that I’ve been trying to write for several months. No joke, I have started it probably twenty times. I stop halfway through, I save it, and I never go back to finishing it. If you’re reading this, well, first of all, your awesome and secondly, I actually finished and managed to put it up! It’s hard for me to say what I’m about to say, but I think it’s important, too. I want to inspire people but there are some parts of this health journey that haven’t been all peaches and cream and rainbows and unicorns, and it’s important to touch on base of that as well.

I sometimes (or oftentimes) feel like a fraud, or a liar, or just someone who is misleading. And the reason I feel that way is because I try very hard to be positive, because I truly believe that we need more positivity in the world. There is so much negativity right now and I’d rather be a light than a shadow. And I fully believe that encouragement and positivity is necessary in this journey. A weight loss or a healthy journey/lifestyle is already an extremely positive experience, but is also can be extremely stressful, or at least it is for me. I’ll be honest: things have been kind of rough for a while. I’m not sure when, where, or even IF this has exactly happened, but somewhere along the lines, I think I lost my why. Or maybe my reasons for starting a health journey were never that great in the first place (if you didn’t know, I began my journey after a fight with a former friend), or maybe I never had a why in the first place and always just thought I did. 

Right now, I work out every day, twice a day; an hour run, and a Jillian or strength workout in the evenings. I rarely take a rest day, even when injured (which I’ve been dealing with injuries for a while now). While I’m not as strict with my diet as I have been in the past, I’m stricter than I was last year. If I eat something I deem unhealthy, I feel an intense amount of guilt. I track and count calories, and doing that at the end of the day really tends to bum me out, sometimes even triggering some panic attacks or guilt at eating. Crazy that one would feel guilty over doing something they need to do to survive, right? Rest days are also a major bummer because I don’t feel like I deserve to eat when I don’t do something to burn it off, and therefore I don’t take them much, even when injuries arise. Back in November, I took almost the whole month off while I dealt with an injury (and a cold that took forever to go away) and it really messed with my psyche, and it’s stuck with me. Back in November, my mind constantly raced, always thinking about my workouts or lack thereof, terrified of what the scale would say if I hopped on it, constantly thinking of all the weight I was putting on eating bowls of chicken soup and crackers. I began panicking about the idea of gaining even a single pound. I was taking to people I hadn’t talked to in years, getting compliments of my new and slimmer silhouette, and suddenly it got me wondering why. Why? People I haven’t talked to in years, who were never interested in getting to know me or keep in touch are suddenly so interested in me. Is it because I’ve lost weight? I like the attention, I love the compliments. I mean, who doesn’t like the compliments after working super hard!? A lot of people are used to the changes I’ve made now, so when I run into someone new, I like hearing the compliments. I think they matter more to me now than they did when I was first starting out because they help keep me motivated. But with all this attention comes the questions and those fears. What happens if I happen to gain a little bit back? Whether it’s because I’m sick, injured, or just fell off the bandwagon for a few weeks. Will I suddenly be forgotten again because I’ve put weight on? What is it with people telling me I’m suddenly a funny girl and worth it, when I’m the same girl I was 100lbs ago? Sometimes I feel like everything is wrapped up around my weight, I measure myself in numbers. Weight, calories, minutes exercised. This has always been on the back of my mind during this health journey, but since November, it’s been on the forefront of my mind; a daily thought. I feel like I’m working out crazy amounts, eating strictly healthy, exercising while in a lot of pain, and right now really struggling with trying to enjoy it all. I look at my body, and I’m not happy with it. Where as I used to be able to see changes I’ve made, all I see are flaws and the desire to work out more and eat healthier. Is this even possible? But I’m still not happy with it, and so I’m not sure where I am. Even more, when I think back to my why and my reasons to begin this whole journey, I can’t even remember them. 

I’m not sure what to do, who to go to, but I know that I need something or someone. I need answers somewhere. I know I can’t be the only one who’s experienced this, but I’ve not had much luck finding them. It’s hard to talk about though, and I hope that this might encourage others to come out and talk about it, too! I want this blog to be a positive place, but also accurate, and right now this is where I am. Sometimes I feel like I need to start over again. Give the treadmill a rest and start playing DDR or find something new that recharges my mind. Find my enjoyment again. What used to be so much fun is now a chore, and this scares me also, because this is a lifestyle. It’s not something that I can quit doing. But what I’m doing right now is not healthy either. What scares me the most is that I feel like I don’t feel like I have much control over my life. I feel like I’m being controlled by some kind of thing in my mind that I can’t pinpoint, and that’s why I think somewhere along the way, I’ve lost something. I know something is not right, but I’m not sure how to fix it. 

Have you ever felt this way or know someone who has?