I've been in a major funk lately. It started when I overheard my family complaining about all my fitness stuff. I've touched base on this many times before: I don't have a supportive family. My entire life, usually after being teased in schools or a routine doctor's visit where the subject was my weight, I had my mom promising me that we'd eat healthier, go on walks, and that I'd lose weight that way. It never happened. I try not to be bitter about it, but I guess maybe I am? I'm not sure when I finally realized that this was MY journey and the only way I was going to be successful was to go about it on my own, but at some point I did realize that. I know that I can't blame my family for it entirely. I mean, yeah, better choices would be made when I was a child and I could have carried those healthier choices into my adult life, but I can sit and dwell on the past or I can just let it go and move forward. But anyway, I'm totally alone in my passion for fitness and eating healthy. They don't get my five sets of dumbbells or my aerobic step, my kettlebells or my foam rollers, and so on. And not only do they not get it, they don't try to get it, and that's what is more hurtful than anything else. So when I heard what they said - man. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the chest and in the heart. This came after a stressful week in where my mom had another flare up where she couldn't breathe. When mom is out of commission, I do everything, plus I worry about her. I was already feeling stressed, exhausted, frustrated, and more when I overheard the comments. I was looking so forward to our little getaway.
Our trip to Tennessee was a mess. The Great Smoky Mountain Getaway that promised a pool, a fitness center, pool tables, and only a six minute drive from downtown Gatlinburg turned into a rundown condo complex without any of the aforementioned amenities (including the distance to get to town). Right off it was a bummer. Attempts to go to town and find out that you're paying an arm and a leg to park - well. It wasn't like the previous time I visited Gatlinburg (we stayed downtown that time, so we were a block away from all kinds of cool places and attractions). There we are, two strikes! I wasn't feeling the love from my family, now here I am in a dumpy condo complex with them, and we were all in awful moods. We had one day that was jam packed with activity, but in the end, we ended up leaving a day early.
This last week, we've had more repairs on the house that are all day affairs. On Friday we were supposed to have the final inspection, but he canceled. It's now Tuesday. I just feel like... every time I try to sit up after getting totally knocked down and out, something else comes up. Mom gets sick, but lets sit up and get back up and BOOM - lets tear down the one thing you find joy in. Lets rebound from that and BOOM. Lets destroy the one thing you were looking super forward to! And lets have strangers come in your house and stay all day (I know the house needs finished, but we stopped being a priority for Paul Davis when we moved in. Why couldn't this have been done months ago?? IT'S DRYWALL.)
I'm having such a hard time getting back up. My mom is having trouble breathing again (giving me zero desire to ever pick up the habit of smoking) and my biggest fear is that these upcoming holidays are going to be the last with her. I have no desire to work out, I have no idea what going to happen, and I feel so miserable. I'm having a lot of trouble breaking through this thick layer of ice that seemed to fall on me while I was trying to get up from whatever knocked me down the last time.
Ugh. I didn't make this blog to make posts like this. My intention is to motivate others. But there aren't many places I can verbalize my feeling, my worries, my struggles, and so on. (Facebook is pretty toxic, and, well, yeah, I don't think I have anyone who actively reads this anywhere so it's like making a diary entry without the hand cramps. ha) And it does deal with fitness and nutrition and a healthy lifestyle. Trying desperately to get back on the routine of eating healthy, exercising, and getting on top of my mental health when real life things - family struggles, a sick family member, depression, the holidays, etc., are making it hard.
If you're here, tell me how you get out of slumps?
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