In the days after Easter, I felt like I hit a mountain and wasn't quite sure I was ever going to get to the top. Really though, it wasn't a mountain, or even a hill. It was more like a mole hill. Or if I'm being honest, an ant-hill or something. A crack in the concrete?! The scale didn't budge for a week or so, and man did that get me really down. I know, a week and it didn't move, and I was panicking over that? I just went through a plateau that lasted over a year, and here I am crying over a few days!! Since doing Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and then moving on to Ripped In 30 in addition to playing DDR (or sometimes running on the treadmill, or playing Zumba on Kinect) and breaking through that plateau, I've gotten to where I look super forward to stepping on the scale and seeing a loss or knowing that I at least didn't put weight on. For a few days there, I was hopping on the scale every day sometimes twice a day or more, feeling really down, really getting worried that I was getting stuck again. I'm the kind of person where the scale has a tendency to dictate what kind of mood I'm in, and well, I was in a bad mood. On top of the bad mood, I got to really thinking about some things, like this journey, and how long it's been. And how far I've gone, but how I'd love for it to end and just be normal, but then again what is normal?! I just got to thinking way too much
I am pretty sure that I've mentioned before that I grew up being overweight or obese. If not, well, yeah. I grew up being heavier than everyone else. Some of it is genetics, but I can't use that excuse for everything. Some of it is because I had poor eating habits that started when I was a child and continued on. I loved (and I still love) chips and dip. I can pass on the brownies, but hand me that Cincinnati Chili Dip ANY DAY! But it wasn't just poor nutrition, but just a total lack of self worth. School (all years, but mostly after elementary middle school and high school) wasn't a walk in a park for me, and many nights I would have panic attacks or make myself sick to my stomach worrying about going to school. I had zero confidence, zero self worth - I probably could have started this journey much earlier if I had realized that I was worth it years ago but it took a huge fight with a friend for me to realize I am worth it. Losing nearly 100lbs (I'm 1-2lbs away from a full 100!!) though has made a major positive impact of my life, but it also has me terrified. I'm terrified of gaining the weight back although I truly enjoy working out and I truly enjoy trying healthy and fun recipes that taste great. I don't see myself stopping any time soon. And that's where those negative feelings creep in. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I'm a little jealous of people who can go out and eat what they want without having to think twice about it. And for a few days, I was really struggling. The scale didn't budge, Easter had come and I ate super yummy Easter foods, and I just got to overthinking.
I love reading the blog Brooke: Not On A Diet, and about once a week or so, I will look on her blog. It just so happened that she wrote an AMAZING blog post and posted it the same day I happened oto click on it. BOOM. She said exactly what I've been feeling. She was able to put words to what my brain has been racing with, that I couldn't find words to. She's experiencing what I'm experiencing. I'm not alone! While you definitely should check out her blog because I find her really inspiring, I will say the points that really stuck to me:
"Lately I have been feeling pretty frustrated with how things are going in the way of weight loss. I have been tracking, eating well, working out, and all those good things that should add up to weight loss on the scale. Yet, the scale won’t budge. I continue to bounce between 170-172 from week to week."
"Part of me just wants to be a ‘normal’ person. Someone who doesn’t have to put so much thought into what is going in my mouth, what it is worth, and how it fits into my daily budget. I just want to be able to eat foods I enjoy until satisfaction and keep the indulgences in check."
"I’ll be focusing on those NSVs (non-scale victories) and setting goals not related to the number."
And boom. It was very eye opening. Very encouraging. And I realized I need to stop relying on the scale, I need to stop panicking. I'm not going to gain 10lbs or 50lbs, or 100lbs in one weekend (Easter or not). There is so much more to this. I've got to think of my accomplishments, not panic about going back. I've got to go forward, because this journey is a forward thing! So now I make a point to keep an eye on some of my non-scale victories. I've not been sure what new Jillian DVD to buy, and I was getting bored with doing Week 4 of RI:30 over and over again, so I started again with Week 1, and I've gone through Week 2, and Week 3, and planning on restarting Week 4 tomorrow. You know how I said doing those two minutes in plank killed me the first go around? Not anymore! Still tough, but I can do it! I think that's a victory and it does not include a scale! The duckwalk and the bear crawl in Week 3 about killed my thighs. And they're still tough, but my endurance is so much better! I feel stronger and healthier. I really notice changes. Best of all, I was looking for photos for my Throwback Thursday photo, and I found one with me in the skirt and top I wore to graduation, and just photos of me and friends from high school, and that's when I really noticed it. I've done this. The scale didn't move on it's own. I moved. And I think so far that's my biggest non-scale victory, and it's all mine.
Take that panic, fear, and everything else that is against me, whether in my head or not. :)
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