I've lost 100lbs but I've gained so much more.

Hi guys! Well, it's official: I've lost one hundred pounds! It took me close to three years but I did it! If you're new to the blog and wondering how I managed this, here's the short version: I did it without setting food inside a gym, playing a video game, doing workout DVD's created by Jillian Michaels, and by tracking what I eat with the website/app called LoseIt. I'm really proud of myself for what I've accomplished. The last three years have definitely not been easy, but it's been incredibly worth it!

So, like the title says, I've lost 100lbs, but I've gained so much more. Gained what? Well, a plethora of emotions and feelings both very positive and negative. I'm going to touch base about these things. Three years ago when I started this journey, I really didn't expect to lose weight. I was at a pretty low place as it was and I specifically remember signing up for LoseIt and thinking that it was something that would probably never work. I had tracked before and look where it got me. I didn't even believe I had lost weight until a few months later shopping for clothes and I had dropped two pants sizes. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised! Once I realized that it actually was working, it wasn't difficult to stick to it. Finding an activity that I enjoyed was key! Dance Dance Revolution is a lot of fun! As the weight continued to come off, I was proud! I felt strong, I felt beautiful. I remember when the, "Post five photos where you feel beautiful!" thing went around on Facebook, I posted a photograph of myself all sweaty after a workout talking about how working out made me feel strong and fierce and those feelings made me feel beautiful.

As time went on and I hit that plateau, I then started to feel really frustrated. Especially when that plateau seemed to last forever. And then feeling frustrated when to feeling defeated and discouraged. I had no idea what to do, what I could do to change things up. It's something I've blogged about before. Every time someone would ask me if I was still losing weight or how much I'd lost recently, I could just feel my stomach start to tie up in knots.

Adding in Jillian Michael's workouts in addition to DDR broke the plateau! I began doing Jillian workouts on January 11, starting with the 30 Day Shred, then Ripped In 30, Killer Body, and now I'm doing Yoga Inferno. I also really started really keeping an eye on what I ate. In the beginning it wasn't too bad, but now I'm pretty restrictive with my calories and very strict about getting my two workouts a day (except for Thursdays where I take a Jillian break). And that I know is pretty unhealthy. And that makes me feel like a slave and trapped. Sometimes it makes me feel unhealthy. I did not work by booty off to get to the point where I deny myself food before I get a workout in, or only allow myself to eat a salad a day. And that's the negatives to my journey with weight loss. I'm proud as heck, don't get me wrong. But I've been heavy before. Like anyone else who's been overweight, I've been teased, I've cried myself to sleep. I've wished like hell that I was anyone other than myself and the idea of taking a night off terrifies me. Will I fall off the bandwagon for one night off? Well. Probably not. It's something that's always in the back of my mind. I'm working on that. I don't think I ever completely believed that losing weight was the answer to all my problems, but I may have had an idea that it would make my life immensely better. And it has, definitely don't get me wrong. I love being able to run for distances, take my dog on long walks without getting tired. I love being able to exercise for an hour. I love shopping for clothes and not having to look in the plus size section. I went shopping for swimsuit bottoms earlier this summer and the first pair I tried on I ended up buying. That wasn't something I was able to experience three years ago. I look in the mirror and I don't just see someone I hate. I see someone who has worked really hard! So there are pros and cons to this. I've lost 100lbs, but I have gained a lot of anxiety. And also a lot of pride. 

I really don't like looking at old photos of myself because like I said, I used to hate looking in the mirror. I was just so unhappy, so ashamed of my size. I actively avoid looking at vacation photos and my heart skips a beat when I'm tagged in a Facebook photo on Thursdays (haha). But last night, I was looking at old photos to do a before and after since I've been wanting to make this post and I realized something. I've got to love that girl. Give her a lot of credit. Show her some respect. Give her a round of applause. Do not be ashamed of her. It was her, after all, who put her foot down and made the decision to change her life.

And that I think is the best thing I've gained throughout this entire journey.

I can't say that tomorrow I'll be 100% happy with myself, but I think we all have those days. But I can say that when I realized that last night, it helped me a lot.

The left photo is me exactly a month ago, trying on an old pair of overalls. The right is a picture of me at a friends house before junior prom. I was 17 years old.

Slaying fears and bad feelings with Non Scale Victories

My weight loss journey has been just that: a journey. A long one, and one I'm still on. So far I've gone up and down, through flat roads, crazy mountains and hills, forks in the roads, twists and turns. I'm not quite sure if my journey has an ending or if it's just going to stretch out forever with little humps. Who knows what the future has for me.

In the days after Easter, I felt like I hit a mountain and wasn't quite sure I was ever going to get to the top. Really though, it wasn't a mountain, or even a hill. It was more like a mole hill. Or if I'm being honest, an ant-hill or something. A crack in the concrete?! The scale didn't budge for a week or so, and man did that get me really down. I know, a week and it didn't move, and I was panicking over that? I just went through a plateau that lasted over a year, and here I am crying over a few days!! Since doing Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and then moving on to Ripped In 30 in addition to playing DDR (or sometimes running on the treadmill, or playing Zumba on Kinect) and breaking through that plateau, I've gotten to where I look super forward to stepping on the scale and seeing a loss or knowing that I at least didn't put weight on. For a few days there, I was hopping on the scale every day sometimes twice a day or more, feeling really down, really getting worried that I was getting stuck again. I'm the kind of person where the scale has a tendency to dictate what kind of mood I'm in, and well, I was in a bad mood. On top of the bad mood, I got to really thinking about some things, like this journey, and how long it's been. And how far I've gone, but how I'd love for it to end and just be normal, but then again what is normal?! I just got to thinking way too much

I am pretty sure that I've mentioned before that I grew up being overweight or obese. If not, well, yeah. I grew up being heavier than everyone else. Some of it is genetics, but I can't use that excuse for everything. Some of it is because I had poor eating habits that started when I was a child and continued on. I loved (and I still love) chips and dip. I can pass on the brownies, but hand me that Cincinnati Chili Dip ANY DAY! But it wasn't just poor nutrition, but just a total lack of self worth. School (all years, but mostly after elementary middle school and high school) wasn't a walk in a park for me, and many nights I would have panic attacks or make myself sick to my stomach worrying about going to school. I had zero confidence, zero self worth - I probably could have started this journey much earlier if I had realized that I was worth it years ago but it took a huge fight with a friend for me to realize I am worth it. Losing nearly 100lbs (I'm 1-2lbs away from a full 100!!) though has made a major positive impact of my life, but it also has me terrified. I'm terrified of gaining the weight back although I truly enjoy working out and I truly enjoy trying healthy and fun recipes that taste great. I don't see myself stopping any time soon. And that's where those negative feelings creep in. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I'm a little jealous of people who can go out and eat what they want without having to think twice about it. And for a few days, I was really struggling. The scale didn't budge, Easter had come and I ate super yummy Easter foods, and I just got to overthinking.

I love reading the blog Brooke: Not On A Diet, and about once a week or so, I will look on her blog. It just so happened that she wrote an AMAZING blog post and posted it the same day I happened oto click on it. BOOM. She said exactly what I've been feeling. She was able to put words to what my brain has been racing with, that I couldn't find words to. She's experiencing what I'm experiencing. I'm not alone! While you definitely should check out her blog because I find her really inspiring, I will say the points that really stuck to me:

"Lately I have been feeling pretty frustrated with how things are going in the way of weight loss. I have been tracking, eating well, working out, and all those good things that should add up to weight loss on the scale. Yet, the scale won’t budge. I continue to bounce between 170-172 from week to week."

"Part of me just wants to be a ‘normal’ person. Someone who doesn’t have to put so much thought into what is going in my mouth, what it is worth, and how it fits into my daily budget. I just want to be able to eat foods I enjoy until satisfaction and keep the indulgences in check."

"I’ll be focusing on those NSVs (non-scale victories) and setting goals not related to the number."

And boom. It was very eye opening. Very encouraging. And I realized I need to stop relying on the scale, I need to stop panicking. I'm not going to gain 10lbs or 50lbs, or 100lbs in one weekend (Easter or not). There is so much more to this. I've got to think of my accomplishments, not panic about going back. I've got to go forward, because this journey is a forward thing! So now I make a point to keep an eye on some of my non-scale victories. I've not been sure what new Jillian DVD to buy, and I was getting bored with doing Week 4 of RI:30 over and over again, so I started again with Week 1, and I've gone through Week 2, and Week 3, and planning on restarting Week 4 tomorrow. You know how I said doing those two minutes in plank killed me the first go around? Not anymore! Still tough, but I can do it! I think that's a victory and it does not include a scale! The duckwalk and the bear crawl in Week 3 about killed my thighs. And they're still tough, but my endurance is so much better! I feel stronger and healthier. I really notice changes. Best of all, I was looking for photos for my Throwback Thursday photo, and I found one with me in the skirt and top I wore to graduation, and just photos of me and friends from high school, and that's when I really noticed it. I've done this. The scale didn't move on it's own. I moved. And I think so far that's my biggest non-scale victory, and it's all mine.

Take that panic, fear, and everything else that is against me, whether in my head or not. :)