It's a Jillian thing. You wouldn't understand.

I once created a design that I meant to put on a shirt that says, “It’s a Jillian thing, you wouldn’t understand.” It's a play on the, "It's a fitness thing, you wouldn't understand," shirt, but since I do mostly Jillian Michaels' workouts, I traded the word Jillian for fitness. I never got around to making it, partly because if I were to make a fitness related shirt, there are a ton of other designs or words I’d like to put on it. Plus, nothing annoys me more than when someone says, “It's a math thing, you wouldn't understand” or “ it's a kitchen thing, you wouldn't understand.” Who's to say that I don't understand that?

In the last few weeks, that design has come to my mind a lot. I frequent a website Guru Gossiper, or GG. For those who don't know what GG is, it’s a forum where members discuss YouTube Gurus and their content. They have a Rave About A Guru subforum and they also have a Trash a Guru subforum. Maybe I’m a closeted mean girl, because I lurk in the Trash a Guru section. I read all the dirt on a guru that I used to be particularly fond of, but then started to not like for various reasons. I’m not going to say what guru, but I will say that there is a reason why I’m posting about it here.

I don’t keep up with this guru, but I do read their GG to keep up with what she's doing, and she’s apparently been really involved in going to the gym. This didn’t surprise me. I can remember years ago she posted a video about fitness with Natalie Jill, who also appeared in Ripped In 30 by Jillian Michaels. (I never actually realized because this video was made in 2012 and I only watched maybe a couple of times soon after it was uploaded, and I started doing Jillian videos in 2015.) “She is also obsessed with her body now, who the hell go to the gym with a broken foot?” Immediately I thought of myself. I've worked out with an injury. I thought a lot of people who've worked out with minor injuries. Look at Christmas Abbott - she broke her foot in the Big Brother house, had to have surgery, and still did workouts as soon as she was able. Search YouTube and you'll find all kinds of seated workouts for people who are injured or disabled. Who the hell goes to the gym or does workouts with a broken foot? Um...a lot of people? I casually mentioned that I have worked out with injuries, and explained that how if you are seeing results, an injury or an illness can be absolutely devastating to a fitness routine. “I guess it’s an American thing,” came the reply. Uh...no. It's not just me, it's almost everyone I know who is committed to a healthy lifestyle - and I’m in some great fitness groups that have women from all over the world. I can't even begin to count how many times I see people saying they’re sick and realizing they’re too sick to work out or asking if they should work out. Lots of members feel devastated over injuries - it’s a real thing. And it’s not an American thing. It’s a dedication thing.

I went back and forth with a couple members on this subject. One said rehabbing a broken foot is one thing, but working out with an injury is creating issues with your body. Again, I respectfully disagree for the most part. If you’re able to do it - do it! I brought up all low impact, seated workouts you can find on youtube, under the weather workouts, and so on. It’s there! So I’m clearly not the only one who thinks this! Then it was brought up about working out with the flu and how that can be life threatening and in general not kind to other gym members. I agree to that, too, but sources say that above the neck symptoms usually mean you’re okay to go to the gym. Trust your own judgment.

In the end, maybe I felt defensive because myself and so many others want to keep working out despite life, illness, and injury trying so damn hard to knock you down. This wasn’t a redeeming factor for this guru (I can’t support a person who lies, scams, and neglects their kids all while painting this facade of sunshine and rainbows for your YouTube content) but I certainly do get where she’s coming from IF she’s experiencing the same thing I am. Don’t take a giant shit on what brings others joy, unless, you know, what brings them joy is being detrimental to someone else’s joy. I have a feeling that they feel like I am defending the Guru, but that’s not it. I am defending myself and others like me. I felt a need to defend others who workout while injured, or others who are dedicated to themselves. They weren’t dissing the Guru, they were dissing the guru's actions as well as anyone who goes to the gym with an injury. As long as you have the okay, then that's okay. Just my feelings, of course.

With that said, my shirt design comes to mind again: “It’s a fitness thing. You wouldn’t understand.”

I think we've hit a slump

I've been in a major funk lately. It started when I overheard my family complaining about all my fitness stuff.  I've touched base on this many times before: I don't have a supportive family. My entire life, usually after being teased in schools or a routine doctor's visit where the subject was my weight, I had my mom promising me that we'd eat healthier, go on walks, and that I'd lose weight that way. It never happened. I try not to be bitter about it, but I guess maybe I am? I'm not sure when I finally realized that this was MY journey and the only way I was going to be successful was to go about it on my own, but at some point I did realize that. I know that I can't blame my family for it entirely. I mean, yeah, better choices would be made when I was a child and I could have carried those healthier choices into my adult life, but I can sit and dwell on the past or I can just let it go and move forward. But anyway, I'm totally alone in my passion for fitness and eating healthy. They don't get my five sets of dumbbells or my aerobic step, my kettlebells or my foam rollers, and so on. And not only do they not get it, they don't try to get it, and that's what is more hurtful than anything else. So when I heard what they said - man. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the chest and in the heart. This came after a stressful week in where my mom had another flare up where she couldn't breathe. When mom is out of commission, I do everything, plus I worry about her. I was already feeling stressed, exhausted, frustrated, and more when I overheard the comments. I was looking so forward to our little getaway.

Our trip to Tennessee was a mess. The Great Smoky Mountain Getaway that promised a pool, a fitness center, pool tables, and only a six minute drive from downtown Gatlinburg turned into a rundown condo complex without any of the aforementioned amenities (including the distance to get to town). Right off it was a bummer. Attempts to go to town and find out that you're paying an arm and a leg to park - well. It wasn't like the previous time I visited Gatlinburg (we stayed downtown that time, so we were a block away from all kinds of cool places and attractions). There we are, two strikes! I wasn't feeling the love from my family, now here I am in a dumpy condo complex with them, and we were all in awful moods. We had one day that was jam packed with activity, but in the end, we ended up leaving a day early.

This last week, we've had more repairs on the house that are all day affairs. On Friday we were supposed to have the final inspection, but he canceled. It's now Tuesday. I just feel like... every time I try to sit up after getting totally knocked down and out, something else comes up. Mom gets sick, but lets sit up and get back up and BOOM - lets tear down the one thing you find joy in. Lets rebound from that and BOOM. Lets destroy the one thing you were looking super forward to! And lets have strangers come in your house and stay all day (I know the house needs finished, but we stopped being a priority for Paul Davis when we moved in. Why couldn't this have been done months ago?? IT'S DRYWALL.)

I'm having such a hard time getting back up. My mom is having trouble breathing again (giving me zero desire to ever pick up the habit of smoking) and my biggest fear is that these upcoming holidays are going to be the last with her. I have no desire to work out, I have no idea what going to happen, and I feel so miserable. I'm having a lot of trouble breaking through this thick layer of ice that seemed to fall on me while I was trying to get up from whatever knocked me down the last time.

Ugh. I didn't make this blog to make posts like this. My intention is to motivate others. But there aren't many places I can verbalize my feeling, my worries, my struggles, and so on. (Facebook is pretty toxic, and, well, yeah, I don't think I have anyone who actively reads this anywhere so it's like making a diary entry without the hand cramps. ha) And it does deal with fitness and nutrition and a healthy lifestyle. Trying desperately to get back on the routine of eating healthy, exercising, and getting on top of my mental health when real life things - family struggles, a sick family member, depression, the holidays, etc., are making it hard.

If you're here, tell me how you get out of slumps?

Operation Floral update

Hi guys! So, remember Operation: Floral? My goal to wear my favorite floral shorts while on vacation in Tennessee, even if I had to wear a pair of leggings underneath??? ;)

Welllll... I'll be honest. I didn't forget about Operation Floral. But I also didn't even try on the shorts before leaving or bringing them with me. Partly because I don't have a pair of leggings to match them and I didn't feel like going out and buying a pair that I'd probably only wear once. And while the first day in Tennessee it was in the mid-60s, the last day we were there (we ended up leaving early for various reasons - the whole vacation in general was a huge bummer) it snowed 2-3 inches. It was beautiful, but bitterly cold. I wish I had thought to even attempt to put them on, but I didn't.

I am pleased to say though, that a few days before leaving, I got on the scale and was at the lowest weight I've been since returning home. I probably screwed that up though with a bit of emotional snacking (it's been really hard getting back in the groove again - it's just been one of those weeks where I've needed to just veg out) and reunification with my favorite coconut rum. Tomorrow some people are coming to work on the house some more and that always throws me off my routine. I think it's partly because I'm so afraid that I will oversleep for some reason and therefore wake up to strange people in my house? Or something weird like that. I'm pretty sure I had a dream about it and never forgot, and that's why on nights like tonight I always struggle to sleep and roll over looking at the clock to see what time it is. So we'll see how it goes, but I'm getting anxious to get back on the routine. My ankles and knees are not tolerating the cold weather right now and that makes me nervous.

Hmm, so what else can I mention in here? I had one week after finishing Body Shred and before my trip and I remember mentioning that I wasn't sure what workout I was going to do - Lift and Shred or One Week Shred? I ended up doing Lift and Shred. I bought heavier weights from Amazon, too, and BOY did I feel it with the heavier weights. I haven't felt that sore in a long, long time! It was great! (And also a little bit miserable. Haha) I only did Level 1 though, but I'm feeling confident that doing this program will make some big changed. I will say though that I am very intrigued by LIIFT 4 and really do want to give that a try. I like that it is four days, which gives me three other days to try new programs. I'm looking at you PiYo, Core De Force, Country Heat, and Turbo Fire! (Why are all these programs Beachbody???) I also bought the Ring Fit Adventure for the Nintendo Switch, and although I haven't tried it yet, I've been looking SUPER FORWARD to playing that. I'll be sure to share my feelings on that as soon as I try it a few times. I'm trying to talk my dad and brother into playing that with me. ;)

In other news, I've got my eyes out for an elliptical (I had one that got lost in the fire, and I feel like the elliptical may be my saving grace in the winter when my pain is way more prevalent) and hoping I can find something during Black Friday. The other night, I was reading another blog written by a friend who is a long distance runner - she doesn't just run marathons and ultras, but she ran the Georgia Death Race, and different 100 mile races. Her blog was so inspiring, it started awakening my, "get out of this funk" senses. :) A few days ago, I was finding it difficult to find a point to exercising with Thanksgiving coming up. (I almost said Halloween. Duh, Jules, that's already passed. But I kept saying Thanksgiving during Halloween so there's that!) I remember a quote last year though though that I'd see in my facebook feeds: "Everyone is worried about what they're going to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas when they really should be concerned what they eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving." Meaning don't stress about the holidays. Stress in the 10-11 odd months when the holidays aren't here. And by stress, I mean, eat sensibly, exercise sensibly, and love yourself a lot.

It's all a work in progress. <3

Thanks to anyone who's reading!

An open letter to the man who called me fat

An open letter to the man who called me fat while in downtown Gatlinburg, Tennessee on November 11. 

You were going in one direction and I was going in another when our paths crossed, and heard you snarl, “Fat!” as plain as day as you walked past me. I didn’t see you, but I definitely heard you. I turned to my brother, who shook his head and waved his hand as if telling me to wave it off, but I turned around and shouted it was uncalled for. There was a lot more I wanted to say, but you and the woman you were walking with continued on and I was with my family, too. Although our trip to Gatlinburg really didn’t go according to plan at all, I put you aside because I wasn’t going to let you ruin my night. It was already a stressful day. 

If I had stopped you though, I would have told you that I’ve already lost quite a lot of weight and although I’ve gained some it back, I’ve been working extremely hard to get healthy - all around healthy. I would have told you that I’m not sure if I’ve ever been completely healthy when you factor in physical health and mental health. At my lowest weight, I’d step on the scale several times a day and that number is what drove me all day. I restricted my calories and had panic attacks at eating more than 800kcal a day. I worked out to the point where I went months without taking rest days. My feet, ankles, knees, hips, and lower back ached so badly because of lack of rest. Taking a nightly bath wasn’t a luxury but a necessity. My hair started falling out. I was so addicted to a fitness group on Facebook that I kept the tab open all the time reading what other women were doing as their workouts. I was so unhappy, so tense, so on edge all the time. I didn’t want to go out to eat with friends or family. I remember going out on a date with a really nice man and feeling so nervous, not just because I was going on a date with someone, but because I was sooo nervous about eating food that I didn’t prepare and I didn’t measure out or weigh. I remember I had two family functions coming on; one on a Sunday and the another on the following Saturday, and I restricted calories and workouted out so much that when I finally went to the family functions, I was worn out from all the worry, restriction, and working out. I used to pride myself on how “disciplined” I was. I worked out on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Day. After years and years of being overweight, or even obese, I was so happy to be significantly thinner. People who never spoke to me before except to make fun of me started sending me friends requests on Facebook, and friends who used to laugh at me and call me fat behind my back sent me private messages asking me how I lost the weight and wanting to know what I did. I would reply back with information on Jillian Michaels workouts and running on the treadmill and how I didn’t really change my diet, I just ate more sensibly. That’s how it started. I may have been physically healthy, but mentally, I was at my worst. 

I would have told you that when I realized that I may have an eating disorder, I couldn’t get help because when you develop and eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you go to the hospital. When you develop and eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story. People praised my weight loss, rolled their eyes or raised their eyebrow in confusion when I mentioned an eating disorder. “You’re not anorexic skinny.” “You still eat.” “But too much exercise isn’t a bad thing.” I had to go about recovery on my own. I tried to scale back on exercise by taking rest days. I tried to gradually increase calories and eat around 1200 a day. Weight came back on, but I was okay with it. I was still decently happy with my body and coming to terms that my body may never get to 120, 130, or even 150lbs. I got to 160lbs through ways of restricting calories and working out excessively, never wanting to go out with friends, panicking when family functions happened, but I didn’t want to live my life that way. 

I would have told you that lately, I’ve been struggling so much with my body that I can’t stand to look in the mirror. Buying bigger pants has been an absolute soul crushing experience, and some family members aren’t happy that I have so much fitness stuff. I would have told you that I had been crying earlier that day because I looked very large in all photos that I had posed for at the wax museum. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I wanted to delete the pictures immediately. 

I would have told you that when I stood outside my house one year ago today, watching flames shoot out both attic windows, that my thought wasn’t about all the things I was losing but how I was going to get so fat. I knew that when my house caught on fire a year ago that it’d be really tough to keep up with the schedule I had before. Luckily, we lived in a hotel with a small gym and I was able to do Jillian workouts in my hotel room, but it was hard going from a large house to a small hotel suite. When my mom got sick, I found it so hard to get back on the bandwagon because I was wanted to spend all my time with her. 

But most of all, I would have told you that it’s not okay to comment on someone’s body and it’s not okay to call someone fat. There are dozens of reasons why someone’s weight might be less than appealing - whether they are overweight, ideal weight, or underweight. PCOS, thyroid condition, steroid use, other medication, a genetic predisposition to weigh more or less, do I need to go on? There are things about my best friend that I don’t know about, let along some stranger I walk past on a busy, touristy street. I would have told you that it feels so much better to be kind, to say, “Hey, nice sweater!” (The girl who took a picture of our family at the wax museum complimented me on my sweater!) or just not say anything at all, because I was a stranger. You may think that calling me fat would make me want to go run on the treadmill or buy a Jillian Michaels DVD or get Beach Body On Demand. Maybe you thought it’d motivate me somehow. Sorry buddy, I’ve been doing that since August 2012, when I first joined LoseIt and pulled out the DDR pad to play the game. 

I would have told you that there is more to someone than how they look on the outside. There is more to me than the outside.

Love, 

the woman you called fat in the evening of November 11 in Downtown Gatlinburg, Tennessee,
also known as Julie. 

Now vs. Then

I'm caught in a love triangle with between fitness and pizza. Seriously. So far pizza has won my affection! I'm frustrated with myself for giving in and playing the whole beating myself up game. I try to tell myself normal people eat pizza for lunch and then go on to have dinner, normal people eat! You have to eat to survive. But I still have to work through all that stuff.

Losing the weight this time around has been so much more difficult. When I made the first steps to my new lifestyle years before, I truly didn't think that it'd work. I'd tracked calories before with no success. And I played Dance Dance Revolution because I enjoyed it, not because I considered it exercise. I wasn't aware that I'd lost weight. About six months after tracking my food and playing DDR, I noticed that my pants were a lot looser. I didn't realize it was due to weight loss though! I remember telling my mom that I needed to go clothes shopping because all my waistbands in my sweatpants had dry rotted. We went to Sears to buy new clothes, and I'm picking size 24s off the hanger and my mom is grabbing clothes she thought I'd like too, the only difference is she could see that I had lost weight and she was picking a much smaller size. When I pulled on a pair of pants in the dressing room, they fell right off me. I assume I made a total shock face with my mouth a big O shape, because my mom started laughing and said, "Try these." It was the smallest size I could ever remember wearing. I think it was size Large, but I was a XXL before. Doing something I truly enjoyed, and tracking my calories (no special diet, just sensible eating) and finally, I was seeing results. And I wasn't even trying because I didn't realize it was working! Losing the weight was hard, but then again, it wasn't. I didn't even realize it was happening the first six months.

This time around, I'm definitely trying. I'm super impatient, too. I had completely forgotten that it took me almost a year to lose 61lbs, too. I was reminded of that when I went back and looked through my old blog posts! And then I went back checked Facebook. My uncle passed away in 2013, and I went to buy clothes for his funeral because I had nothing nice to fit me. A friend I went shopping with took a picture and put it on Facebook congratulating me on a 40lb weight loss. That was six months after starting my journey. It's hard to remember that it takes time! It was all so different the first time. I had ignorance on my side the last time. This time, I'm just so hyper-attuned to EVERYTHING, I have a lot more knowledge and that's both good and bad. The first time I went through this, I still would eat a cupcake, track it, and be like, "Oh well, that's okay!" I don't do that now; if I eat a cupcake, I immediately start to get mad at myself. Eating pizza today - I want to get back to living life. Living life healthily but also living. Having a slice of pizza or a beer or whatever, and not feel like I'm completely derailing myself. So I miss the ignorance factor then. I don't miss that first-go me felt like like I needed to add and add and add more hours of exercise if I wanted to make a change rather than switching up my routine. I know now that if I experience a plateau that you don't ADD to your routine you CHANGE your routine!

I'm trying to be healthier overall and in the end, this may result in a much healthier loss, one that I can maintain even when crazy things happens (I don't plan on burning down my house again! But thinking of getting sick, or power outages or whatever; one of those freak things). I want to be healthy for as long as possible.

Operation: Floral

Hey everyone!
I can't believe we're in the homestretch of 2019! Where has this year gone? How's everyone doing with all the Halloween candy temptations? I'm faring well-ish. For a while there, I wanted all the chocolate but recently I've been so lucky that I've not had any cravings for sweets or salty snacks. (A treat is okay! I just like to turn treats into all day affairs. Ha)
A few days ago I came up with something called Operation: Floral. If you've been following for a while, you'll know my house caught on fire, and from November 13 through July 8th, I lived in a hotel while our house went through a lot of repairs. Totally gutted on the inside and outside. The house was taken down to the studs, some walls were knocked out, we got a whole new roof and siding. We lost all our furniture, a ton of electronics, sentimental stuff, old paperwork... crazy. But anyway! A lot of our clothes were salvaged! Or a good portion of them! (Thank goodness that most of the damage was water damage! Some items did get smoke or burnt up, but most clothing items were able to be dry cleaned.)  Some of my favorite clothing items like my unicorn shirt made it home! And also my absolute favorite floral shorts!
The sad thing is, I've admittedly put on some weight. The shorts fit me (yay!) but they're uncomfortably tight. I don't feel comfortable going out and wearing them in public. They give me an awful muffin top and wearing them is a total bummer.
That's where Operation: Floral comes in! My goal is to get back in these floral shorts. I know, it's almost November and we're entering in the winter months, who's going to be wearing shorts?? I'm taking a short vacation to the Smoky Mountains the week of Veteran's Day and I would love to wear these shorts, even if I have to wear a pair of winterly leggings underneath. What a fashion statement! ha. But I have a goal, and it's been immensely helpful. We leave in 21 days and I've been at this for a few weeks now. I'm trying. If anything, I feel like I'm going in the right direction.
I've made a few significant changes to my workouts. I run on the treadmill in the early afternoon, as I always did. When I was living at the hotel, at first we were in separate hotel rooms, and I would run in the mornings, do Jillian in the afternoon (or something Jillian in the AM, an hour run in the afternoon, but I always had both workouts done before 4pm) and I LOVED having the evening to work on things that needed done. Well, I've gotten back into getting both my workouts done before 7pm again, rather than a run in the afternoon, and a JM workout sometime around midnight. I'm sleeping better now because of the schedule change. I have the evenings to get things done, work on projects, work on orders, (watch This Is Us, haha!) and so on, and I get to bed at a reasonable hour and sleep for an adequate amount of time. That's a big change for me. I feel like getting it all done is helpful overall because I'm able to manage my time a little better, do what I like to do, do what I need to do. On the subject of Jillian Michaels, I'm almost finished with Body Shred for a third time. I just finished Week 5 and 6, which still are my all time favorite weeks for Body Shred. I don't do the cardio days currently, but I plan on adding them back in. Only I will switch Jillian's cardio for something more fun like DDR or Country Heat). I finish Body Shred the week before we go to Tennessee. That last week I'm planning on doing Lift and Shred OR One Week Shred. When we come back from Tennessee, I'm thinking of switching over to the dark side. We have a Smart TV and I am very intrigued by LIIFT 4. Maybe I'll try something like PiYo on LIIFT4 off days??? How about some 80 Day Obsession? Maybe I'll try FitFusion by Jillian?
I'm building back up to where I was with running, also. When I first began again, I was embarrassingly slow. I could get about 3 miles in an hour. I've picked it up to four miles an hour, which is a time I'm still unhappy with (15m/m) but I'm going in the right direction. The dreams of running a half marathon and eventually a full marathon are coming back as I'm starting to get back in a groove. I tried running outside but was ashamed I let myself go so bad, but that desire is coming back to me as well.
I'm trying to go about re-losing the weight again healthier than I did before. Trying not to overtrain, trying not to be a slave to the almighty calorie. I want to be able to live my life, and be healthy. Being healthy means having a piece of cake and not freaking out about it, but also wanting to kill a workout and help keep the results by having a salad. :) I feel like I'm finally on the right track though, after months of barely hanging on. Let me tell you - getting back on it, finally seeing results again, eating healthy again - it's fantastic. I am really feeling like I'm getting somewhere. If anything, I feel better mentally and emotionally than I have in the longest time. The lack of support from my family (and this isn't meant to dog on them!) isn't bothering me anymore because we all have our own spaces again, and being back home has been wonderful for all of us.

In upcoming blogs, I hope to talk about running my first 5k (The Color Run!), updating about Operation: Floral. I'll share my feelings on Lift and Shred or One Week Shred (depending on which I do) and what I do when we return home from Tennessee. :) I also hope to talk about making my brand new DDR pad (since I lost several in the fire, including my Red Octane Afterburner) and trying to unlock songs again. I started playing again to get back on the ball and it was incredible!

(This is likely a jumbled up blog. I may edit.)

I'm home!

I'm finally home! But there still are a lot of things needing finished up at my house, so we're living in it while there are still finishing touches. It's stressful. I live with three other people and two are major TV hogs...It never fails. The only two rooms that I can comfortably do a workout in are the two rooms the TV hogs stay in. I get my run done (if running on the treadmill) before everyone gets home, and my second workout once one of the two go to bed. When something is going on though (say, like a contractor coming), my workout gets pushed off so I can deal with random people making repairs in the house. It's SO FRUSTRATING. And no one quite gets the frustration of getting in a good groove only to have one day get screwed up because the contractor is coming. I miss feeling like my home is my home, and that I can do what I want in it without having some random person barge in. It reminds me of being at the hotel and never knowing when housekeeping would come!

Despite that, I am starting to get in a good groove. I've gained 1/3 of my weight back, which, well, I'll spare you the details of how I feel about myself. It's not good. I'm back doing Jillian workouts, and I've bought two new DVD's. I feel like my running is getting stronger again. I was running 4-6 miles a day at an easy pace before I fell off the fitness bus. My first day back, I ran a 5k in an hour and was so dead afterwards. I've lost 5lbs from my heaviest coming home weight. I'm working hard to try and keep my diet on point (so hard when you're the only person eating healthy). I am feeling stronger again and starting to feel like I'm finding myself again. But generally I'm just overall unhappy with the way things are right now. I just want things to be back to normal...

I hope to update soon and talk about recent workouts, review some of the new DVD's I bought. I also have a smart TV now, which means that I can get things like Beach Body On Demand, Fitfusion, and all those cool apps. Anyone read this? Got a favorite fitness app?

I haven't completely fallen off the bandwagon...

Warning: I'm whining.

I haven't completely fallen off the bandwagon, but I'm barely hanging on.

The pain in my feet, ankles, and knees have really sidelined me from being able to run in the way I want to. That's made it slightly necessary to take some breaks from running. My mom got sick in April, spent the night in the hospital, and it took her a while to bounce back. It was hard to make myself want to go down to the gym (there's a small gym in the hotel we've been living at) because what happens if she needs something while I'm down there? It's always soooo cold in the hotel room (looking forward to going home simply so I can leave the room if the A/C is being run when it's 60 degrees outside) and it's hard to find the motivation when you're freezing to get into workout clothes that you're gonna sweat in. Fast food/restaurant food is reimbursed so take out happens more often than trying to cook in the hotel room. Living in a hotel does NOT equal vacation, but it's been hard to balance it all. I still run on the treadmill or go out and run around the city, but not every day. The other day I rented a bike with the Bike Share app. That was fun. I have some active moments, but for the most part, I've pretty much done a complete 180 from where I was a year ago.

I'm pretty unhappy with my body and with the weight I've gained. My clothes don't fit right (same size for the most part, but I've had to buy new stuff and you know how it is with sizes, but my body has definitely changed). I'm just super discouraged, and a good part of it is my own damn fault. (Other part is it would be soooo nice to have some support!) Frankly it's been hard. I'm ready to go back home. I'm ready to get back on some sort of healthy routine, and be able to have my own space away from my unsupportive family. I'm ready to refind my reason why.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this and that's also hard. :/ I hate whining blogs like this when I'd rather inspire someone.

Mental Health Week

Hi everyone! Since I completed Bodyshred last week, I have really been experiencing a lot of aches and pains from doing that program and running, so I decided to take a mental health week. A week full of pampering myself, congratulating myself for completing such a hard program and doing my best with the current situation, and healing in all it's forms - mentally, physically, and spiritually. My birthday is Saturday (February 9, woo hoo!) and so it's my birthday gift to myself. I've made sure to get my steps through walks thanks to mild weather (when it's not raining) and marching in place,  getting to explore other floors of the hotel, and just general fun (or maybe not so fun) shopping trips to IKEA and so on. I can't say that eating healthy and exercise hasn't been on my mind, and I can't say that I haven't had one panic attack relating to the lack of exercise and food, but that was on Super Bowl Sunday and there were other elements to my anxiety. Honestly, it's been so nice to just chill out! I did pore strips one night, I soaked my feed and did a face mask another night, took a glorious shower and painted my nails... it's just been nice to take a week to de-stress. I've done rest weeks before, but I think I need to make them happen more often. When I was a young teenager, I used to do a face mask, soak my feet, paint my nails, and take a long bath every Sunday night as a way to prepare for the week of school. I might bring that back also, just once a week total pamper session. Who says you can't enjoy that in your 30s?! :)

But I think I need to at least take a few days every few months of total off days. This has been really nice.

I completed Body Shred!

Holy cow! I completed Body Shred! This is the workout that totally intimidated me, scared me, and made me super nervous. I was so scared to embark on this program, and I pushed it off so many times. But I am proud to say that I started it during one of the most stressful times of my life and I finished it! I did change up some things though, which I'll touch base on. Body Shred is very similar to Body Revolution, where every two weeks you progress to two new workouts. For the first two weeks, you have workout 1, workout 2, and cardio 1. You do each of these twice a week. (In BodyShred, workout 1 is called Launch, workout 2 is called Rise, and the cardio workout that will take you through the first month is called Fire Up). Launch is called a Push day, and that's where you work the front of the body, the muscles that push you away. Rise is pull day, where you work the back of the body. And that's the way it is throughout the whole program. My Body Shred rest day is Saturday, so Sunday and Wednesday are my push days, Monday and Thursday are my pull days, and Tuesday and Friday are my cardio days. This workout is 60 day/two month program instead of 90 day program and it progresses a lot faster than Body Rev. It is super tough. I really noticed some changes as in I feel like I may be finally starting to manage chaturanga on my knees. I've never been able to master that. And just other things in general. I feel stronger!

So, like I said, I did change up some things. Since we're still living in a hotel, I am really limited on space, and I'm also have to make a lot of sacrifices when it comes to TV. There are two rooms I have space to work out in, but one is SUPER COLD. It's a bedroom where I have just enough space, but it's awkward. The TV is bolted down so I can't adjust and can only turn it slightly so I can barely see the screen. The living area is fairly large, but it's where everyone congregates. At home, I have so much space. I can work out in my bedroom, the family room, the living room. If I'm super desperate I can go outside. I don't have that here. And since there are neighbors all around me (upstairs, downstairs, side by side), I have to be courteous of them. So I did Jillian's cardio, but sporadically. When I did Body Rev the last time, I switched Jillian's cardio for Country Heat. I planned to do that this time around, but with everything going on, it's hard to get motivation to do a second cardio workout. I still am doing my best with a running schedule, although I'm back to running 100% on the treadmill due to winter weather and living in a not-the-safest downtown area. I'm running six days a week most days, getting five or so miles in a day, so on days where I had Jillian's cardio, I still get a run in so I have some workout. Saturdays I usually just get my steps in. I'm trying to balance the right amount of rest, exercise, and more. I am definitely feeling a little burnt out with all this, and my body has been giving me grief with right hamstrings, quads, and so on... I'm not sure if I am overtraining, or if it's just all the stress from everything. We'll see. So while I completed BodyShred, I did leave some parts out. Now that I've conquered Body Shred though, I'm seriously considering doing it again! But that said, I'm not 100% sure. I think it would be great to start up that program again when I get back home, because then I will have no excuse to modify. We're not sure how long we'll be in the hotel, or if we will be moved to a temporary home (we've looked at a few properties, but it's hard when you have a dog, only need a place for a few months, and so on) but we were told four months from the start of demo, which began a month ago, so it's looking like three or so more months. There is so much uncertainty! I have no idea what to do, because I have no idea what's going to happen. I feel like I have no control over my life anymore. It's just, ugh, this has been so stressful. I don't want to get burnt out with Body Shred though! Anyone have any suggestions?

I will share what I'm doing next though! And I hope to make details posts about Body Shred. Maybe I'll do that the next time I do it!