Finding the words to say how you feel

I’ve been kind of AWOL again. It’s not that I don’t think about posting here, quite the opposite actually. I think daily about this blog because every day I work out and/or think of things related to health and working out and this blog is one of the things that come to mind. Blogs in general have been really helpful for me. Some days I just can’t think of what to write without sounding overly pessimistic or just over the top silly with optimism, to the point where people would question whether I’m being truthful. I want this blog to be real and not a bunch of bull, you know? I want it to be factual based on my experiences but also inspiring. Sometimes sharing my real experiences can be seen as pessimistic, and therefore not inspiring at all.

So with that said, it’s hard to come up with the words to say what I want and do everything I want to do. Currently I’m feeling a bit pessimistic, and the last year or so this feeling has been more prevalent than any other. I feel very stuck. I feel like I’m just running on a big, fairly long treadmill. I’m getting things done, but I’m going nowhere. Sometimes I’m really on top of my game and really close to the front, and then other days I’ve lagged a bit and I’m close to falling off the end. Still on it though - never fallen off the treadmill. And somedays, I can think, hey! At least I’ve not fallen off yet! But then other days I just wish I could get off that treadmill and move on to something else. Am I making sense? Here’s how that feeling has come about: in the last year, I’ve maintained my weight. That’s great! I’m at the lowest weight and size I’ve been at in years and maintaining it! But I still have my “realistic goal weight” as I call it (I have another goal weight but I think that’s pretty unrealistic) and that means losing another 25-30lbs. And I’m not sure what exactly is going on, but this plateau I’ve hit has lasted over a year. It’s pretty discouraging. I’m happy with my weight loss, don’t get me wrong, but I’d still love to lose more. I’ve changed my diet, changed my workout. Added to it, taken from it. I’ve lost a significant amount of hair, and seen a doctor who told me everything was fine after getting a complete blood count and my thyroid checked. Having my weight stay the same despite lots of changes, and then having my hair fall out like it’s been has just really discouraged me. I feel like no matter what I do, I get nowhere. It’s really hard to blog and try to inspire when my mind focuses on the weight I still want to lose, my rapidly thinning hair, the fact that all blood tests came back normal, the plateau from hell, and so on.

Phew. It’s out there. I’ve said it.
Wow. I’m not sure if I feel like I’ve got a weight off my shoulders or not, but it’s nice to at least put my feelings somewhere. I don’t have many people I can talk to about things like this. My family is supportive to a degree, but only in certain aspects. I’ve stated before that I live with someone who might be called the stereotypical fat person. He only eats 4-5 different types of food, all that are unhealthy (pizza, fried chicken, frozen chili to name a few). He doesn’t eat vegetables unless you consider french fries a vegetable. He is incredibly picky. It’s really hard living in a home with someone like that. I’m lucky that I love vegetables and healthy food, but it is so hard being surrounded around someone who is eating an entire pizza, chili, chicken nuggets. I try to explain that, and no one understands why it's so hard, so upsetting. They say they do, but their angry reaction to why this is hard for me means either that they truly do not get it, or they truly do not care about my feelings. What is it?! I know this place has a good chance of being what could be called toxic and I hate saying that because I live with my parents, my brother, my family who I love. And wow. That’s out there, too.

Despite all that, I am proud that I’ve managed to lose weight and maintain my weight loss through what I feel has to be a pretty difficult situation. Some days I truly feel like I have no support. I still get up every day and work out, I still try my best to keep my diet on track. I try to keep the focus on that. I’m still doing it.  I'M STILL DOING IT. It’s just very slow moving right now, and that’s what I want to focus on with this blog. Despite feeling stuck, despite feeling like I’m going nowhere, I’m still going and I think that’s a good thing. So I hope that inspires. And when things pick up, I'll still be doing it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Please don't be discouraged if you have been. And please know that if I do have any readers (I'm not sure, but I have 157 page views! I know I didn't refresh 157 times!) I don't forget about this blog. And I have to write about! Several things I want to touch base on and talk about! I finished the 30 Day Shred and I plan on sharing my experiences with it. I also went clothes shopping in my old closet. Wow. That was pretty cool! I also tried on my two prom dresses that I wore at my junior and senior proms nine and ten years ago. That was really cool. :)

Rough day

Days like today are kind of rough. I got up for a hair appointment and when I came home, I decided to make pancakes for me and my dad. Who doesn't like pancakes?! Well, as much as I like them, I definitely don't like how they like to stick to my thighs. I don't like how addictive they are! But it's not just the pancakes. Today I was addicted to snacking. It doesn't help that we have three different kinds of ice cream in the freezer, snacks left out on the kitchen table, dip in the fridge...  and as if that wasn't enough, it's 2am and I still haven't had a work out for today! I'm writing in this blog instead. And it's been a while since I've updated in here, so that is really saying something. Oh, no.

So yeah. Days like today are rough. Sometimes it's rough living here. My brother is over weight and and I don't want to make him sound bad because he is truly a great person, but he is a stereotypical overweight person, and a picky eater to boot. I worry about him. He gives a new definition to big and tall at 6'2" and 350+ pounds. Long John Silvers had a deal today where participating restaurants were giving out free food, and that is all he's been talking about. I enjoy a meal out as much as the next person, I'm human. But ugh. Quit talking about it. In addition to him going on and on about Long John's, he also brought up ordering pizza, compared two different pizza parlors, mentioned how long it's been since we got a pizza... ugh. I am sick of hearing about food! The last two years, one thing I've learned that while food is something you can enjoy, it's mainly for fuel. I've enjoyed learning new recipes to make food delicious and also extremely healthy. I love playing around with spices to make my favorite dishes that I don't feel guilty eating. Unfortunately, no one here really seems to understand that, or at least today I feel like they don't understand, and that is frustrating. It would be nice to be able to sit and eat whatever I want; not measure out 1/8 cup of salad dressing for my salad, or weigh my porkchop before I eat it, or take a handful chips and measure it out, but I can't do that. I can't do it if I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The hardest part in my journey has been maintaining a healthy lifestyle in a home where I'm surrounded by awful choices, and little support. Even something as small as, "Please put the chips in the cabinet so I don't see them." seems like a big chore.

I'm not sure what works for me. Some days I can do it fine, but then days like today are the difficult ones. A lot of it most likely has to do with my schedule being off kilter thanks to the hair appointment, and my workout schedule being off since it's the weekend (during the week I have a window of when I can workout without bothering anyone; but on the weekend I can work out whenever) but ugh. Today has been rough.

Most of the times I will admit that I have found this journey to be fairly easy and very rewarding, but then every once in a while a bad day creeps. Please excuse this rant. I'm only human. We are all only human.

Have a good day!