Finding the words to say how you feel

I’ve been kind of AWOL again. It’s not that I don’t think about posting here, quite the opposite actually. I think daily about this blog because every day I work out and/or think of things related to health and working out and this blog is one of the things that come to mind. Blogs in general have been really helpful for me. Some days I just can’t think of what to write without sounding overly pessimistic or just over the top silly with optimism, to the point where people would question whether I’m being truthful. I want this blog to be real and not a bunch of bull, you know? I want it to be factual based on my experiences but also inspiring. Sometimes sharing my real experiences can be seen as pessimistic, and therefore not inspiring at all.

So with that said, it’s hard to come up with the words to say what I want and do everything I want to do. Currently I’m feeling a bit pessimistic, and the last year or so this feeling has been more prevalent than any other. I feel very stuck. I feel like I’m just running on a big, fairly long treadmill. I’m getting things done, but I’m going nowhere. Sometimes I’m really on top of my game and really close to the front, and then other days I’ve lagged a bit and I’m close to falling off the end. Still on it though - never fallen off the treadmill. And somedays, I can think, hey! At least I’ve not fallen off yet! But then other days I just wish I could get off that treadmill and move on to something else. Am I making sense? Here’s how that feeling has come about: in the last year, I’ve maintained my weight. That’s great! I’m at the lowest weight and size I’ve been at in years and maintaining it! But I still have my “realistic goal weight” as I call it (I have another goal weight but I think that’s pretty unrealistic) and that means losing another 25-30lbs. And I’m not sure what exactly is going on, but this plateau I’ve hit has lasted over a year. It’s pretty discouraging. I’m happy with my weight loss, don’t get me wrong, but I’d still love to lose more. I’ve changed my diet, changed my workout. Added to it, taken from it. I’ve lost a significant amount of hair, and seen a doctor who told me everything was fine after getting a complete blood count and my thyroid checked. Having my weight stay the same despite lots of changes, and then having my hair fall out like it’s been has just really discouraged me. I feel like no matter what I do, I get nowhere. It’s really hard to blog and try to inspire when my mind focuses on the weight I still want to lose, my rapidly thinning hair, the fact that all blood tests came back normal, the plateau from hell, and so on.

Phew. It’s out there. I’ve said it.
Wow. I’m not sure if I feel like I’ve got a weight off my shoulders or not, but it’s nice to at least put my feelings somewhere. I don’t have many people I can talk to about things like this. My family is supportive to a degree, but only in certain aspects. I’ve stated before that I live with someone who might be called the stereotypical fat person. He only eats 4-5 different types of food, all that are unhealthy (pizza, fried chicken, frozen chili to name a few). He doesn’t eat vegetables unless you consider french fries a vegetable. He is incredibly picky. It’s really hard living in a home with someone like that. I’m lucky that I love vegetables and healthy food, but it is so hard being surrounded around someone who is eating an entire pizza, chili, chicken nuggets. I try to explain that, and no one understands why it's so hard, so upsetting. They say they do, but their angry reaction to why this is hard for me means either that they truly do not get it, or they truly do not care about my feelings. What is it?! I know this place has a good chance of being what could be called toxic and I hate saying that because I live with my parents, my brother, my family who I love. And wow. That’s out there, too.

Despite all that, I am proud that I’ve managed to lose weight and maintain my weight loss through what I feel has to be a pretty difficult situation. Some days I truly feel like I have no support. I still get up every day and work out, I still try my best to keep my diet on track. I try to keep the focus on that. I’m still doing it.  I'M STILL DOING IT. It’s just very slow moving right now, and that’s what I want to focus on with this blog. Despite feeling stuck, despite feeling like I’m going nowhere, I’m still going and I think that’s a good thing. So I hope that inspires. And when things pick up, I'll still be doing it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Please don't be discouraged if you have been. And please know that if I do have any readers (I'm not sure, but I have 157 page views! I know I didn't refresh 157 times!) I don't forget about this blog. And I have to write about! Several things I want to touch base on and talk about! I finished the 30 Day Shred and I plan on sharing my experiences with it. I also went clothes shopping in my old closet. Wow. That was pretty cool! I also tried on my two prom dresses that I wore at my junior and senior proms nine and ten years ago. That was really cool. :)

Find your passion and make it happen!

While checking Facebook, a Facebook post from former The Biggest Loser (TBL) contestant Shay Sorrells popped up in my feed about Jillian Michaels leaving the show for the third time. I used to be ridiculously addicted to TBL and I admit that I still watch it when it airs, but it is far from my favorite show nowadays. Where I used to find it very motivating, now I find it completely the opposite. And where I used to feel like it was a show that advocated good health, I now feel completely the opposite, especially with the previous season that aired. It did get me curious on how some of my favorite former TBL contestants were doing. I decided to look them up on Facebook. I found Abby Rike and then sisters Hannah Curlee, and Olivia Ward. I was just scrolling down to find some pictures or other sorts of inspiration when I found a post that Olivia had written. Since it seemed a little out of place (no picture, just a bit of text) I stopped and decided to read it. I am so glad I did! Here's what it said:

"If you think Bootcamps are bad...then don't do them. If you think spinning is bad....then don't do it. If you think Crossfit is bad...then don't do it. If you feel the need to tear other people down for THEIR choices in fitness because it WORKS for them...please dear Lord DON'T DO IT!! Everyone is different and every practice is different that is why one might work for you and the other won't. There are risks in any type of intense physical activity choose what is best for you...because the most dangerous is eating cheetos on the couch and doing nothing. Rant over."

After last nights blog was kind of depressing and very ranty, and my posts are sporadic at most, (although I do hope to get better at posting!) when I read that, felt like I had to speak about it. Mostly because I didn't want to leave my previously whiny blog pays to be the first thing that people see if they happen to come across this page.  Also, because I really could relate to it. If you're just reading this blog for the first time and this is the first post you're reading, hi! My weight loss is mostly in thanks to a video game called Dance Dance Revolution, or DDR. Sounds crazy, huh, a video game for working out! Not on the Wii, not on the Kinect (although they do have DDR games for Wii) but on the good ol' PS2, a system that is waaay old! Now that we've touched base on that, let me get to while I could relate to this.

I've had people say some pretty nasty things about my playing DDR. As started in a previous blog post, one person's opinion of my playing DDR eventually lead me to quitting. And then after a year or so, I realized that it was ridiculous to quit the one thing that I not only enjoyed, but worked for me. While unconventional, DDR works for me! Who or what gives someone the right to belittle what works for you? Do you look silly when doing something that works for you? So what. It works for you. Do it proudly. Is DDR a video game? Yes. But I dance proudly because it works for me. If you think DDR is bad, then by all means, play the game. If you think dancing around your bedroom is bad, then don't. If you think the treadmill is ridiculous, then don't buy one and avoid them. With that said, don't knock on what works for me. First off, because your words will just bounce off. They will not register in my brain, and you'd be wasting your breath. Secondly, because another thing I learned is the best person to listen to is myself - and you know what I say? GET UP AND DANCE!

Find what works for you, and do it. Who cares what kind of physical activity you engage in if it works for you? Find your passion and make it happen! In the end, you and your good health (and awesome body) will have the last laugh. :)

Rough day

Days like today are kind of rough. I got up for a hair appointment and when I came home, I decided to make pancakes for me and my dad. Who doesn't like pancakes?! Well, as much as I like them, I definitely don't like how they like to stick to my thighs. I don't like how addictive they are! But it's not just the pancakes. Today I was addicted to snacking. It doesn't help that we have three different kinds of ice cream in the freezer, snacks left out on the kitchen table, dip in the fridge...  and as if that wasn't enough, it's 2am and I still haven't had a work out for today! I'm writing in this blog instead. And it's been a while since I've updated in here, so that is really saying something. Oh, no.

So yeah. Days like today are rough. Sometimes it's rough living here. My brother is over weight and and I don't want to make him sound bad because he is truly a great person, but he is a stereotypical overweight person, and a picky eater to boot. I worry about him. He gives a new definition to big and tall at 6'2" and 350+ pounds. Long John Silvers had a deal today where participating restaurants were giving out free food, and that is all he's been talking about. I enjoy a meal out as much as the next person, I'm human. But ugh. Quit talking about it. In addition to him going on and on about Long John's, he also brought up ordering pizza, compared two different pizza parlors, mentioned how long it's been since we got a pizza... ugh. I am sick of hearing about food! The last two years, one thing I've learned that while food is something you can enjoy, it's mainly for fuel. I've enjoyed learning new recipes to make food delicious and also extremely healthy. I love playing around with spices to make my favorite dishes that I don't feel guilty eating. Unfortunately, no one here really seems to understand that, or at least today I feel like they don't understand, and that is frustrating. It would be nice to be able to sit and eat whatever I want; not measure out 1/8 cup of salad dressing for my salad, or weigh my porkchop before I eat it, or take a handful chips and measure it out, but I can't do that. I can't do it if I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The hardest part in my journey has been maintaining a healthy lifestyle in a home where I'm surrounded by awful choices, and little support. Even something as small as, "Please put the chips in the cabinet so I don't see them." seems like a big chore.

I'm not sure what works for me. Some days I can do it fine, but then days like today are the difficult ones. A lot of it most likely has to do with my schedule being off kilter thanks to the hair appointment, and my workout schedule being off since it's the weekend (during the week I have a window of when I can workout without bothering anyone; but on the weekend I can work out whenever) but ugh. Today has been rough.

Most of the times I will admit that I have found this journey to be fairly easy and very rewarding, but then every once in a while a bad day creeps. Please excuse this rant. I'm only human. We are all only human.

Have a good day!

Motivation

I'm lucky. I've read other blogs, seem peoples comments on various places, and so many people say that staying motivated is very hard for them. I'm grateful that there are no motivation issues for me for the most part. Some days I am really frustrated with working out and I just want it to be over, but that is few and far between.

I think some of that is because I work out mostly by doing something fun (playing Dance Dance Revolution, which I will go into more details soon) but also, some of it is because I have a goal to work for, and I like to think and hope I am goal oriented. The fact that I have kept up this lifestyle, and do some kind of physical activity almost every night makes me think that yeah, I've got to at least be a little goal oriented, right?

Maybe I should explain what helps keep me motivated. Keep in mind that it might be seen as mean, or childish, or petty. In 2011, I was in a very nasty fight with a girl I once considered a very close friend, perhaps a best friend. Being friends with this person was tough from the beginning. We met when we were middle school aged, but we didn't form a close bond until a couple years later. I burned a lot of bridges to be friends with her. She has a different personality, I guess you could say, and one that not many people seem to like, or understand. I don't want to sound conceited or anything, but in school, I was known as the "nice girl" and if you give me time, I can find good in anyone, including this particular person. I was the person who would smile at everyone, who gave anyone a chance, or didn't matter what kind of person they were. I would give everyone a chance, and unless given a valid reason, I don't dislike anyone. However, when it came to this person, a lot of people didn't understand, and because of that, bridges were burned. As I look back, I can't believe that I chose that kind of friend either. I guess in a way, you could say she did not respect my feelings, ideals, morals or dreams at all. I don't want to go into details, because that's not what this particular blog post is about. Growing up, I didn't realize that she really wasn't a good friend, or the right kind of friend for me. The incidents that happened in 2011 just gave me light to the side that so many other people had been warning me about for years.

This girl said something to me one day, in the middle of our fight, that lasted an entire summer: "Julie, if you want to feel better about yourself, you should travel, or go to school, or do something else that makes you feel better to yourself besides DDR." - that's not the direct quote, but that's mostly the gist of it. Do something that makes you feel better about yourself than play DDR, which is a video game, but it's video game that has proven to work for me to lose weight.

I was really upset. Devastated. I stopped playing DDR because I felt pathetic. Even to this day, when I see someone and they're so shocked at how much weight I've lost, I can feel my face turn red. "Oh, I lost it playing a video game..." I shouldn't feel ashamed. Why should I feel ashamed? It's cheaper than a gym membership! It's a whole lot of fun! I've always loved it! I recently found that message again, and reading it just made me realize that this girl just never understood. Seriously. If you truly loved someone, and was excited that they were succeeding, why would you tell them to stop doing that?

From 2011 until August 2012, I just felt really pathetic. I mean, I felt like I didn't have any friends. I do have friends, but at the moment I don't drive, and my best friend, Aubrey, lives far beyond walking distance. I felt really alone. I had a lot of time to sit and think, and think, and think about the argument between me and the other girl, and then I realized that is what she wanted. She wanted me to relive her calling me pathetic, fat, loser, etc. And I also realized that my anger was justified, but I could do something healthier with it.

So I started playing DDR again. I channeled that anger, and I turned it into passion. I decided then and there that I wanted to be thinner than the girl I dislike the most. Maybe I was a pathetic fat loser. I can't argue and say that I wasn't fat. But that was going to change. I wanted to get to that size. She can't call me fat, unless she calls herself fat too! So that was my goal. That was my motivation, and I think I've reached that. I don't know, but occasionally I see her around, and I think so, and I feel proud. I can't call her up and ask her her weight, or her pants size! And, I did it all on my own. Hard work. Not only DDR. I walk my puppy a lot. I watch what I eat. I've realized that I enjoy running! I have a treadmill, exercise bike, and an elliptical machine at home, and I have a 3 mile floodwall near. Lots of sidewalk and two legs.

Sure, it's childish, but it's kept me going. I've kept that inside for a long time, just because it is silly, I know. But it's my motivation, and it is what started everything. And I've got to say, I know I'm not the only one who has motivation like that. I was watching Dr. Oz, and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was on, discussing the soda ban. This was a few months ago. Dr. Oz and Mayor Bloomberg discussed how he had went to the federal government to try and make things like potato chips, snack food, and soda ineligible to be bought with a food stamp card. Dr. Oz made note that Mayor Bloomberg's time as mayor was coming to an end, and he wanted to know if he (Bloomberg) thought that health was going to be his main legacy. Mayor Bloomberg said, “I’ll tell you ways to think about this: think about the person you don’t like most in the world. Do you want to be at their funeral or do you want them to be at yours? If that doesn’t get you to take care of yourself, I don’t know what does.”

On top of that, I do enjoy working out. I enjoy physical activity. I've become passionate about it, and it's something that I just love to do. I'm on my way to being healthier than I was when I was a child, and I love that. I'm old enough to do things with my life and young enough to enjoy it. 

Enjoying my workouts, knowing that I'm making my life better, and of course using past anger as fuel is what keeps me motivated. Now I'm not saying that I don't think about that person every day, I don't. I did in the beginning, and occasionally I do, but I also replay years of being teased as a child in my head too occasionally, on days where I am really struggling, and it gives me what I need. If someone tells me that I can't, I want to look them in the eye and say, "Watch me!"