Slaying fears and bad feelings with Non Scale Victories

My weight loss journey has been just that: a journey. A long one, and one I'm still on. So far I've gone up and down, through flat roads, crazy mountains and hills, forks in the roads, twists and turns. I'm not quite sure if my journey has an ending or if it's just going to stretch out forever with little humps. Who knows what the future has for me.

In the days after Easter, I felt like I hit a mountain and wasn't quite sure I was ever going to get to the top. Really though, it wasn't a mountain, or even a hill. It was more like a mole hill. Or if I'm being honest, an ant-hill or something. A crack in the concrete?! The scale didn't budge for a week or so, and man did that get me really down. I know, a week and it didn't move, and I was panicking over that? I just went through a plateau that lasted over a year, and here I am crying over a few days!! Since doing Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and then moving on to Ripped In 30 in addition to playing DDR (or sometimes running on the treadmill, or playing Zumba on Kinect) and breaking through that plateau, I've gotten to where I look super forward to stepping on the scale and seeing a loss or knowing that I at least didn't put weight on. For a few days there, I was hopping on the scale every day sometimes twice a day or more, feeling really down, really getting worried that I was getting stuck again. I'm the kind of person where the scale has a tendency to dictate what kind of mood I'm in, and well, I was in a bad mood. On top of the bad mood, I got to really thinking about some things, like this journey, and how long it's been. And how far I've gone, but how I'd love for it to end and just be normal, but then again what is normal?! I just got to thinking way too much

I am pretty sure that I've mentioned before that I grew up being overweight or obese. If not, well, yeah. I grew up being heavier than everyone else. Some of it is genetics, but I can't use that excuse for everything. Some of it is because I had poor eating habits that started when I was a child and continued on. I loved (and I still love) chips and dip. I can pass on the brownies, but hand me that Cincinnati Chili Dip ANY DAY! But it wasn't just poor nutrition, but just a total lack of self worth. School (all years, but mostly after elementary middle school and high school) wasn't a walk in a park for me, and many nights I would have panic attacks or make myself sick to my stomach worrying about going to school. I had zero confidence, zero self worth - I probably could have started this journey much earlier if I had realized that I was worth it years ago but it took a huge fight with a friend for me to realize I am worth it. Losing nearly 100lbs (I'm 1-2lbs away from a full 100!!) though has made a major positive impact of my life, but it also has me terrified. I'm terrified of gaining the weight back although I truly enjoy working out and I truly enjoy trying healthy and fun recipes that taste great. I don't see myself stopping any time soon. And that's where those negative feelings creep in. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I'm a little jealous of people who can go out and eat what they want without having to think twice about it. And for a few days, I was really struggling. The scale didn't budge, Easter had come and I ate super yummy Easter foods, and I just got to overthinking.

I love reading the blog Brooke: Not On A Diet, and about once a week or so, I will look on her blog. It just so happened that she wrote an AMAZING blog post and posted it the same day I happened oto click on it. BOOM. She said exactly what I've been feeling. She was able to put words to what my brain has been racing with, that I couldn't find words to. She's experiencing what I'm experiencing. I'm not alone! While you definitely should check out her blog because I find her really inspiring, I will say the points that really stuck to me:

"Lately I have been feeling pretty frustrated with how things are going in the way of weight loss. I have been tracking, eating well, working out, and all those good things that should add up to weight loss on the scale. Yet, the scale won’t budge. I continue to bounce between 170-172 from week to week."

"Part of me just wants to be a ‘normal’ person. Someone who doesn’t have to put so much thought into what is going in my mouth, what it is worth, and how it fits into my daily budget. I just want to be able to eat foods I enjoy until satisfaction and keep the indulgences in check."

"I’ll be focusing on those NSVs (non-scale victories) and setting goals not related to the number."

And boom. It was very eye opening. Very encouraging. And I realized I need to stop relying on the scale, I need to stop panicking. I'm not going to gain 10lbs or 50lbs, or 100lbs in one weekend (Easter or not). There is so much more to this. I've got to think of my accomplishments, not panic about going back. I've got to go forward, because this journey is a forward thing! So now I make a point to keep an eye on some of my non-scale victories. I've not been sure what new Jillian DVD to buy, and I was getting bored with doing Week 4 of RI:30 over and over again, so I started again with Week 1, and I've gone through Week 2, and Week 3, and planning on restarting Week 4 tomorrow. You know how I said doing those two minutes in plank killed me the first go around? Not anymore! Still tough, but I can do it! I think that's a victory and it does not include a scale! The duckwalk and the bear crawl in Week 3 about killed my thighs. And they're still tough, but my endurance is so much better! I feel stronger and healthier. I really notice changes. Best of all, I was looking for photos for my Throwback Thursday photo, and I found one with me in the skirt and top I wore to graduation, and just photos of me and friends from high school, and that's when I really noticed it. I've done this. The scale didn't move on it's own. I moved. And I think so far that's my biggest non-scale victory, and it's all mine.

Take that panic, fear, and everything else that is against me, whether in my head or not. :) 

Ripped In 30: Week 4 review (RI30 IS NOW COMPLETE!)

Week 4 of Ripped In 30 is in the books! I truly enjoyed Week 4 much more than Week 3, but not because it was necessarily easier, it’s just that I enjoyed the exercises more. After the warm up, the strength moves in the first circuit were alternating crescent pose, and then down in a squat position for what felt like an hour doing static rows and presses. Strength was plié hops and then jumping jacks, but with a front kick rather than your feet going to the side. I LOVED THOSE!! They felt very Zumba-y and dancey to me, which I loved. Even Jillian mentioned to Basheerah (the girl doing the advanced version) to show off a little Broadway, which was totally cool being the Broadway nerd that I am! Abs was doing down dog with raising your knee to your chest, and then plank walk. 

Circuit 2 was doing superman with a shoulder press, renegade rows with a pushup, and then crossover lunges. I really am starting to like lunges more and more. I used to hate them! I really liked doing the curtsy lunge! The cardio for this circuit was tough. Burpees! Ack! And scissor hops. I’ve never done burpees much but I did enjoy them as weird as that sounds. Although, I had to be careful because at times I felt dizzy because I kept looking down at the floor rather than straight ahead. Haha. The ab moves for this circuit was one where you lay on your back and stick your feet straight up in the air, and then bring them side to side. I’m not sure the right term for it. And then you do hollow man into a sit up. 

Circuit three was a chest fly on the floor in bridge, chaturanga pushups, forearm pushups. I was familiar with the forearm pushups as they were in the 30 Day Shred, and I’ve always liked chest flies but the chaturanga pushups killed me at first! Cardio was in plank, jumping from the side to the center and then back to the side. I actually really liked those. And then double jump rope. Finishing up with abs, she had you do a sit up, and then after the sit up, raise your legs into a crunch. And you’re DONE! 

After the week 4 workout, Jillian gives a little speech about what a bad ass you are for finishing her Ripped In 30 DVD. For the last six days I did RI30, it still got to me every time, in a good way. Man. A year ago I couldn’t have done this workout! I didn’t even finished the 30 Day Shred, let alone RI30! But when I did manage to finish the 30DS this year, I knew that I could continue on and was determined to finish RI30, and told myself I would get a pedicure when I finished it! (I’m still planning on doing that, but just working out a date. But I’m going to see The Longest Ride, too! I might do the pedicure a little closer to Memorial Day and do The Longest Ride as my RI30 finished treat). I remember being cautiously excited when I started it. I remember the days where I didn’t want to but pushed on. I almost cried on my very last day of doing RI30! And also, I’ve seen massive results! I lost around 7 pounds, two and a half inches from my waist, an inch around my hips and bust and half inch from my arms. Finally broke through this plateau that’s plagued me for so long! I highly recommend this DVD. I did not follow the meal plan that comes with the DVD purchase but I track what I eat anyway. But I will say that during this program, one day my family and I went to the chinese buffet, and I baked a cake one day and had a piece for a couple days there. So there were days where I definitely didn’t eat super healthy, but mostly I stayed on track, and worked out consistently. Thank you, Jillian Michaels, for creating a workout that helped me get my life back. :)

I am trying to decide what Jillian DVD I want to get next. I’m going between Six Week Six Pack, Killer Abs, or Killer Buns and Thighs. I like the ones that are right around 30 minutes because that gives me enough time to get lunch cooked for my dad, get a 30 minute workout in, and then be able to come down and tell him goodbye before he leaves for work. 

Ripped in 30: Week 3 review

Jillian Michaels, you are a mean, mean woman, but I love it. Most days, that is. And you own’t believe the love I have for you when I’m cooling down and finished with you for the day!

So, I finished Week 3 of Ripped In 30, and I got to admit, this one was TOUGH. I read some other blogs and reviews about Ripped In 30 before I bought it, and I watch the actual workout before I actually do them so I’m not wasting workout time having to think, “Okay, what did she say again?” so I knew that this week was going to be pretty challenging. But man, I didn’t think it was going to be this tough!

Circuit one had bear crawl and duckwalk, both of which burned so bad the first few days. When I was on day three, I remember realizing that I was getting deeper with my duckwalk, which was exciting to me. I started with the modified and by the end, I wouldn’t say I was duckwalking like a pro, but I was doing decently! Doing wide and low rows after the duckwalk and the bear crawls killed my legs. As if that wasn’t enough, she makes you do jumping backs in a squat position. Oh my goodness. My poor legs. She gives your legs a bit of a breather with skiers. And then in plank for twisting plank, and then this one move where you do squat thrusts for your ab moves.

Circuit two was my favorite, because you do stork stance with a fly, and then, single leg squats, and then my favorite, a rock and roll squat with a reverse crunch. The only problem with that was I kind of have limited space and I nearly banged my head on my bed - phew. THAT’S another way to get your heart rate up. I could just imagine. In circuit three (coming up) Jillian makes a joke about how she doesn’t need any broken ankles or trips to the hospital and every time I heard that one, I kept thinking about how ridiculous I’d look with a big mark on my forehead. “How did this happen?” “Jillian Michaels. She did this to me.” (Unrelated, but my biggest fear is getting an injury. Luckily I’ve not been seriously injured in the near three years since I started this journey.) Cardio was squat jumps and then she has you get in a running stance and pump your arms. She made a joke about how one might feel silly doing that move. Phew. By that time, I had so much sweat running down my face was was ready to flip her off that I didn’t care how silly I looked, I just wanted it over! Haha. But next was abs. One where you hold your weights (if you do the advanced) and it’s crunching across, right arm to left leg, and then legs vertical and crunching up to touch your toes. The ab moves were so welcome after those squat jumps.

In circuit three, your shoulders, triceps and arms totally take a beating. The first circuit killed my legs, and this one killed my arms! Pike pushups (or down dog pushups), single arm pushups on each side while laying on your side, and then tricep dips in table. I didn’t mind the down dog pushups to be honest, but single arm pushups were tough. And I was always forgetting what arm/side I did before. Cardio was jumping lunges. In the 30 Day Shred, I could not do these for the life of me when they came up on Level 3, but this time, I could do them no problem! Woot!! And then the next one was single leg hops, basically jumping on one foot. She has the advanced jump in special directions, but I didn’t because there is a good chance that I actually would break an ankle, which is what I mentioned above. I have decent balance and I usually continue strong throughout my workout, but I just jumped on one leg here without jumping side to side, which is what the modifier did. The last ab move was an ab hold (which I did with my hands on weights because of my short arms, and that helped!) and then pike crunches.

And then the cool down, hallelujah! Week three was tough. It was the most challenging workout out of the two Jillian DVD’s I have. I have started Week four (actually almost finished with it) and will share my opinions of it.

But in all, I’m still loving Ripped In 30! I’ve finally broken through the plateau that plagued me for about a year. I just don’t want to jinx myself, but I’m at my lowest weight in years; we’re talking elementary school here. I went to try on clothes at a few different stores, and I am finally seeing some very noticeable changes. I can totally see difference from the photos I took of myself on January 11, when I first started the 30 Day Shred, and the photos I took at the end of Week 2 of Ripped in 30. The pants I bought just last September are starting to get baggy. I took measurements this time (still trying to be brave enough to put my measurements online!) and last time I measured, I had lost inches! So I’m really pleased, and will continue to test out more Jillian Michaels’ DVD’s to do in the mornings. I still play DDR at night because I love it so much!

Thanks for reading! 

Ripped In 30, Week 2 review

Week two of Ripped In 30 is finished! I’m a couple days into Week 3 now, but here’s my thoughts on week two!

Phew. It was tough and definitely more challenging than Week 1. The first circuit had static lunges with rows, a pendulum lunge, and then on the floor with pelvic thrusts and chest presses. Those I enjoyed, especially the pendulum lunge. The cardio was a total killer! Ahhh! Plank Jacks, into mountain climbers, back to plank jacks and then finish out with mountain climbers. Two minutes in plank. Oh my gosh. The first day, I thought it’d never end! By the end though, it was still challenging, but I didn’t feel like I was totally going to die! I forget the abs moves for the first circuit though. 

In circuit two, you did side lunges with a leg raise, ahold into a table top, and then crow pushups for strength. I have really short arms, and they weren’t long enough to really do an ab hold at all. I ended up towards the end of day three realizing that I could raise myself on on weights that would give my arms a little bit more length, but I had to be careful not to twist my wrist when I would transition into table. That was challenging in itself trying to figure out how to actually do the move with my super short arms! Ack. (Random fact: in high school, I used to have classmates tell me they wished they had my arms, because they were short. You should wear shorts at fingertip length, and technically, I could get by wearing a pair of panties if I were to go by fingertip length!) And those crow pushups? Damn. Those things were tough. I could hike my knee to my shoulder if I was in the advanced position, BUT I couldn’t get my arms to move in a pushup, so I did it on my knees, but then I couldn’t get my leg high enough, I didn’t think at least. Other times if felt like I did. I am really thinking of getting a mirror to watch myself to make sure I have all my form down completely. I need to work on my flexibility and my shoulders in general though. I loved the jump rope kick outs! I know Jillian mentioned they were like a Pollyanna move - I love Pollyanna. It was my favorite growing up, and the second she mentioned them, I was like, “Heck yeah. I’m the new Hayley Mills!” but then it was short lived because plank thrusts were the next move (before doing jumprope quickest again) and my poor arms were still screaming from the two minutes of plank before. The ab moves circuit two made me so happy though! Reason being, in Week 1, there was this move called hollow man, and I felt like it would never end. There is a move that goes from hollow man to where you crush up into a sitting up position. Hollow man’s killed me before, but I was able to go from that to a crushing position using the advanced version and I was so happy, I wanted to cry tears of joy. It was that move that reminded me how far I’ve come. The next move was crawling up your leg, with it extended up in the air. 

Circuit 3 was not my favorite strength by any means, but I loved it because that meant it was almost over. Haha! You went with a sumo squat with tricep extension, stork stance with a low row, and then into plank for a renegade row. The first day I rotated my hips until I heard Jillian say not to on the DVD. So I worked my butt off to never rotate my hips again! In the 30 Day Shred, she had renegade rows with a leg extension, and I wasn’t able to do the advanced, but I was able to do the advanced in this one! So that made me excited. Another way for me to realize how far I’ve come, not only from the beginning, but since starting to do Jillian DVD’s in January. Cardio was jab cross high lows, and then high knees. I was pretty familiar with these. Jillian doesn’t switch legs for the jab cross, but after the third day I did, because I noticed my left knee was a bit sore. Maybe because I was using it a bit more with this move, so I actually did switch legs. That helped a lot with my knee (although this one I hurt a couple years ago and since then, it’ll hurt on and off). Abs were sit-ups with a leg extension and then a crunch with a leg raise. 

AND THEN IT WAS OVER! WOOO! Week two was much more challenging than week one. And besides the jump rope kickouts, there really weren’t any moves that I can say that I enjoyed. Like, I’ve always been a fan of skaters, I like running man, jump rope, single leg hops. Rockstar Jumps are fun (I’m a total cardio girl). Even some strength like squat and press. But I did it and enjoyed it. I know Jillian says to take a break and do this 5-6 times a week and always make sure to take a break, but I went six days and then I moved on to Week 3, which I’m two days into. No breaks yet. I’m just worried that I’ll fall out of the routine. I’ll review week three when I finish, which should be in a few days! 

After I finish the Ripped In 30 DVD, I’m going to reward myself with a deluxe pedicure! I’ve never had a pedicure before (or a manicure) so I’m really excited about it. I thought of the idea when I first started this with my new shoes and my feet killed me afterwards. I was soaking them every night, and that’s where I got the idea of a pedicure! 

So this week, I realized how far I’ve come thanks to two different ab moves. Have you ever had that epiphany? 

How do you reward yourself after a week well done? 

Thanks for reading! 

Ripped In 30, Week 1 review!

I started Jillian Michaels’s Ripped In 30 last week! I’m actually already into the second week, but I thought that I would talk about how the first week went. 

So, Ripped In 30 is a Jillian Michaels workout DVD and it’s kind of similar to her 30 Day Shred DVD. It uses the same 3-2-1 system that the 30DS uses and it’s approximately the same amount of time, which is right around 30 minutes from warm up to cool down. RI30 is a bit more challenging though. You do three strength moves in each strength circuit rather than two that you did in the 30DS, but it’s still three minutes long. There were pushups, squat and press, and tricep kick backs in crescent pose in the first strength circuit. Stiff leg deadlifts, a squat swing holding one weight (like a kettle bell), and good mornings for the second. Chest fly’s in chair pose, side lunge with a shoulder raise, and lunges and bicep curls in the third circuit. I mentioned on my 30 Day Shred review that I sucked at lunges, but I thought it was because I worked out barefoot. I started RI30 the day I got my new shoes (oh, Lord, do these things hurt my feet. I think I need to go up a size) and that does make lunges much better. I feel like I’m much better at them. It could be that the 30DS prepared me for them. Maybe a bit of both. In all, I loved the strength moves for this one!

Cardio is always my favorite and this was no exception. There was fast feet, skaters, punches, running man, butt kicks, and single leg hops. I LOVED the single leg hops! And skaters has always been a favorite of mine, too. Really, I loved all the cardio. I always got so excited when the strength part of the circuit had ended, because that meant cardio was next and I loved the cardio moves in week 1!

Abs were pretty basic, but there was this one called hollow man, and oh my gosh. That was very difficult. It did get easier though!

But all in all, I really loved the Ripped In 30, Week 1! Jillian recommends you do RI30 5-6 days a week, and I went, I think five days straight, took a break, and did the week one again for one more time because I hadn’t watched Week 2 yet. I like to watch the next level before I actually do the workout so I can get an idea on form and know what to expect. Otherwise, I’m stopping to watch the TV screen when I should be working out!

I’ve done Week 2 three days in a row now, and unless something crazy happens, tomorrow will be day 4. When I’m finished with it, I’ll be sure to give my opinion. So far, it’s going good! It’s much tougher than week one though ;). Phew!

Thanks for taking the time to read! Click here to check out the DVD on Amazon.

Finished the 30 Day Shred - here's my review!

Woo hoo! I completed Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred!! I got to say, I’m pretty proud of myself! This is not the first time I’ve started the Shred, but the first time I’ve started it and completed it in full. The first time I did it, I went through Level 1 and was halfway through Level 2 and contemplating moving to Level 3 when I got sick and I fell off the 30DS bandwagon. I used to do all my exercising together - one hour of cardio followed by the 30DS - right before bedtime and I was always SUPER tired, so when I think about it, I can totally see why it was pretty easy for me to drop the 30DS. This time I really wanted to finish it and I made it my goal to finish. I started on January 11th. I didn’t finish it completely in 30 days, but I’d say around 35-40 days because I took a day off here and there to give myself a break. Instead of doing the Shred right after my cardio before bedtime and being so tired, I started my day with it so I had no excuses to half-ass it.

So, in case you don’t know much about the 30 Day Shred, let me give you some background information on it. The 30 Day Shred is a Jillian Michaels workout. It comes with three levels and all levels are approximately 25 minutes long from warm up to cool down. Each level gets progressively more challenging. Jillian suggest that you start at Level 1 and work yourself up Level 2 and then Level 3. These workouts contain Jillian’s 3-2-1 system, where you do three minutes of strength training, two minutes of cardio, and one minute of abs and you do the 3-2-1 circuit three times after a warmup and before a cool down. Behind Jillian are Anita and Natalie. Anita does modified exercises for beginners.

I can remember when I started Level 1, I was so sore the next day! I actually took day 3 off because I was so sore. By day 6 or 7, I remember smiling when Jillian said, “if you’re on day 5, 6, 7, I’m sure you’re seeing a huge difference in your endurance!” because I was noticing huge changes! Level 1 was pretty basic but tough. The strength training you do throughout the circuits are pushups, squat and press, side lunge with lateral raises, chest flys, static lunges with bicep curls, and dumbbells rows in a squat position. Cardio is jumping jacks, jumprope, butt kicks, and punches/shadowboxing. Abs is a basic crunch, reverse crunch, bicycle crunches, and oblique crunches. I still to this day hate lunges!

Level 2 is my least favorite, to be honest. Mostly because it has so many plank moves! Ack! I did start enjoying plank a little more once I got a good pair of grippy gloves that kept my hands from slipping. I didn’t have a decent pair of shoes while doing the Shred so I did it barefoot most of the time, and I think that is another reason why I found the planking so difficult. I did the modified most of the time, except for the plank jacks. I find pros and cons to doing this barefoot, but more pros for me since my shoes are a full size too big. (New shoes should arrive tomorrow, woo hoo!!) This one is definitely a lot harder than level 1. And my least favorite. Phew. I loved when it was over for the day! The strength moves for level two are walking pushups, dumbbell rows in a squat position, military press and a leg extension, V raise and a chair squat, pendulum lunges and hammer curls, and  static lunge and rows. Cardio was plank jacks, plank thrusts, double jumprope, oblique twists, skaters and high knees. Abs were plank twists, and a few others that I can’t remember right off. I LOVED the skater and the oblique twist cardio though. But that was about it. This one was tough! Phew. I think I actually did this one for 13 days because I didn’t feel ready to move on. In fact, I moved on to Level 3 worried I might have to hop back to level two to continue building up…

But Level 3 was my favorite!! To be honest, I almost felt like in a way it was too easy?! But still tough. It was like doing Level 1 all over again, but only more fun. This one doesn’t have as much plank as level 2 did, and you don’t use the weights as often as you did in the first two levels. The exercises have a lot of jump and plyometric training. The strength moves were traveling pushups, a plank move where you start on your elbows and then go up to your hands and then back down, a superman stretch, deep squat with a dumbbell clean, jumping lunges, and plank rows with leg raises. Cardio is rockstar jump, jump squat (loved these!), jumping jacks, butt kicks, and punches (all with dumbbells), mountain climbers and plie squats. Abs is sit ups, pike crunches, scissor crunches, and side plank raise. Since I’m used to doing a lot of jumping with DDR, this one was a lot of fun for me because it had lots of jumping. I never was able to get the jumping lunges down though. I hate lunges and never feel like I have the proper form (although I’ve been told I do so who knows!) but I think this is where not having good shoes was a total hindrance.

All in all, I really did enjoy the 30 Day Shred and totally recommend it. The music that is played in the background is a little annoying and after a few days and you have the exercises down, I ended up turning off the background and would watch the TV screen but play my own music and that helped it go on a lot! With my own music, even Level 2 got to be tolerable! I didn’t think to take measurements before, but I did take pictures. I think I see some definite changes!! I know I’m a bit pessimistic as it is, but I use the word “think” because somedays I do truly see the changes, and some days I don’t. But when I do notice the changes, I see it in my arms, which is exciting, since my arms are definitely one of the places I feel most self conscious about. (I’ll blog on that later.) Looking at pictures from the back, I can tell that I’m starting to look less “cupcakey/muffin toppish/love handles” (I currently cannot remember the correct term I want to use here)!

Because of all this, I totally recommend it! Here’s something cool: like I said, I bought new shoes and they should arrive here tomorrow. I also bought Jillian’s Ripped In 30 dvd a few days ago and I planned to start it the day I got my new shoes. Even though I finished the Shred a few days ago, I’ve been continuing to do Level 3 in the mornings because I enjoy it so much, but wanted to mix it up a bit so yesterday I did Level 2, and today I did Level 1 again today. Level 2 still was challenging, but not like it used to be! And level one I didn’t modify at all! And to be honest, I thoroughly enjoyed the whole workout, remember how I had to take a break the first few days because it was so hard. I used to think it’d never end, but today it ended too fast. :)

Thanks for taking the time to read!! If you're interested in buying the DVD, here's a link to it on Amazon. 

Finding the words to say how you feel

I’ve been kind of AWOL again. It’s not that I don’t think about posting here, quite the opposite actually. I think daily about this blog because every day I work out and/or think of things related to health and working out and this blog is one of the things that come to mind. Blogs in general have been really helpful for me. Some days I just can’t think of what to write without sounding overly pessimistic or just over the top silly with optimism, to the point where people would question whether I’m being truthful. I want this blog to be real and not a bunch of bull, you know? I want it to be factual based on my experiences but also inspiring. Sometimes sharing my real experiences can be seen as pessimistic, and therefore not inspiring at all.

So with that said, it’s hard to come up with the words to say what I want and do everything I want to do. Currently I’m feeling a bit pessimistic, and the last year or so this feeling has been more prevalent than any other. I feel very stuck. I feel like I’m just running on a big, fairly long treadmill. I’m getting things done, but I’m going nowhere. Sometimes I’m really on top of my game and really close to the front, and then other days I’ve lagged a bit and I’m close to falling off the end. Still on it though - never fallen off the treadmill. And somedays, I can think, hey! At least I’ve not fallen off yet! But then other days I just wish I could get off that treadmill and move on to something else. Am I making sense? Here’s how that feeling has come about: in the last year, I’ve maintained my weight. That’s great! I’m at the lowest weight and size I’ve been at in years and maintaining it! But I still have my “realistic goal weight” as I call it (I have another goal weight but I think that’s pretty unrealistic) and that means losing another 25-30lbs. And I’m not sure what exactly is going on, but this plateau I’ve hit has lasted over a year. It’s pretty discouraging. I’m happy with my weight loss, don’t get me wrong, but I’d still love to lose more. I’ve changed my diet, changed my workout. Added to it, taken from it. I’ve lost a significant amount of hair, and seen a doctor who told me everything was fine after getting a complete blood count and my thyroid checked. Having my weight stay the same despite lots of changes, and then having my hair fall out like it’s been has just really discouraged me. I feel like no matter what I do, I get nowhere. It’s really hard to blog and try to inspire when my mind focuses on the weight I still want to lose, my rapidly thinning hair, the fact that all blood tests came back normal, the plateau from hell, and so on.

Phew. It’s out there. I’ve said it.
Wow. I’m not sure if I feel like I’ve got a weight off my shoulders or not, but it’s nice to at least put my feelings somewhere. I don’t have many people I can talk to about things like this. My family is supportive to a degree, but only in certain aspects. I’ve stated before that I live with someone who might be called the stereotypical fat person. He only eats 4-5 different types of food, all that are unhealthy (pizza, fried chicken, frozen chili to name a few). He doesn’t eat vegetables unless you consider french fries a vegetable. He is incredibly picky. It’s really hard living in a home with someone like that. I’m lucky that I love vegetables and healthy food, but it is so hard being surrounded around someone who is eating an entire pizza, chili, chicken nuggets. I try to explain that, and no one understands why it's so hard, so upsetting. They say they do, but their angry reaction to why this is hard for me means either that they truly do not get it, or they truly do not care about my feelings. What is it?! I know this place has a good chance of being what could be called toxic and I hate saying that because I live with my parents, my brother, my family who I love. And wow. That’s out there, too.

Despite all that, I am proud that I’ve managed to lose weight and maintain my weight loss through what I feel has to be a pretty difficult situation. Some days I truly feel like I have no support. I still get up every day and work out, I still try my best to keep my diet on track. I try to keep the focus on that. I’m still doing it.  I'M STILL DOING IT. It’s just very slow moving right now, and that’s what I want to focus on with this blog. Despite feeling stuck, despite feeling like I’m going nowhere, I’m still going and I think that’s a good thing. So I hope that inspires. And when things pick up, I'll still be doing it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Please don't be discouraged if you have been. And please know that if I do have any readers (I'm not sure, but I have 157 page views! I know I didn't refresh 157 times!) I don't forget about this blog. And I have to write about! Several things I want to touch base on and talk about! I finished the 30 Day Shred and I plan on sharing my experiences with it. I also went clothes shopping in my old closet. Wow. That was pretty cool! I also tried on my two prom dresses that I wore at my junior and senior proms nine and ten years ago. That was really cool. :)